insights

Gossip is Violence.By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.

I am used to getting varying reactions from people about the things I write. Sometimes the reaction is in the form of letters to the editor but more often it is in the form of discussion when I meet a friend or acquaintance at the grocery store, or when people drop by, or when they E-mail or phone. Usually only the people who are angry about something I’ve said or they think I’ve said, write into the paper. I’m not sure why this is but hopefully it will change. I think part of it is because it’s easy to deal with someone one on one when you agree with them. When they don’t agree people find it safer to put barriers or distance between themselves and whom they disagree with. Which brings me too the ultimate way of striking out without risk to yourself –Gossip.Some people may get angry at my choice to include gossip among violent reactions. Gossips in particular, don’t like to think of themselves as violent. Most gossips would be shocked at being called violent. Gossips usually see themselves as non-violent and also usually as morally superior. They are deeply insulted at being included with the physical and emotional abusers.My working definition of violence is “intentional acts that damage another person”. There has to be an action, that action has to be intentionally damaging, and damage has to occur, for abuse to occur. This definition allows the inclusion of all intentional acts of damage- physical, emotional, threats, self-abuse and of course verbal abuse whether directly applied or indirectly applied (like gossip).Some of the longest lasting abuse is that which scars the person deep inside. Often the things people say can last longer and be more damaging than a physical act. To me the most damaging abuse occurs when someone attacks another who is totally unable to defend themselves.Emotional abuse is not always performed face to face; often it is performed from a distance. This distance is designed to keep the attacker safe from being recognized while at the same time doing as much damage as possible. The ultimate perpetrator of this kind of abuse is the gossip. The gossip is usually one of those people who will never confront you face to face. They usually have a veneer of civilization to camouflage themselves, but under this veneer beats the heart of a true abuser. Not only is this abuser a coward like every other abuser, but also they cover their vicious and cowardly nature with the persona of a non-violent person. Gossips are one of the clearest examples of the passive aggressive personality pattern..A gossip uses words and innuendo to try and destroy anyone who irks them. If you intentionally try to destroy another persons reputation or credibility are you not trying to do them harm? If you try to hide where these attacks are coming from are you not acting out of cowardice? If your intent is to do another harm, to damage and hurt another, are you not an abuser?We all have seen (and sometimes been a part of) this type of character assassination so we are all aware how devastating and how long lasting this brutal this kind of violence can be. Most of us outgrow the anger that generates this kind of violence by the end of adolescence, but some particularly damaged individuals can carry this anger and violence throughout their lives, constantly feeling the need to destroy others to fill an unmet need within them. Like all others who routinely use violence these abusers are making choices. No matter what your pain you have a duty to get the help you need to become a non-violent person. A truly non-violent person is one who strives to not use any of the forms of violence. None of us is perfect but in the striving towards it lies the real measure of a humanNext time you hear someone gossiping, look at their intent. Are they trying to damage that person? Why? Then, ask yourself, after I leave will I be this person’s next item of gossip?Conclusion: To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Abusive is as abusive does.