Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Grudges are Ugly Critters 12/28/02
Grudges are Ugly Critters 12/28/02
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
ian.lowden@shaw.ca
What an interesting word ‘grudge’ is. Grudges aren’t like kittens or infants, or puppies, they aren’t solid tangible things; yet we talk about them as if they were. Try picturing a ‘grudge’. What does it look like? I’ll bet the picture is of an ugly critter.
Now try picturing “nursing a grudge” or “holding a grudge” or “feeding a grudge” or “carrying a grudge’ It’s pretty hard to picture someone doing these actions without either laughing or being revolted.
A “Grudge” is not just a feeling of anger caused by feeling hurt. It is a desire to ‘even the score’ or to ‘get back’, it is a desire to hurt the person who we perceive as having hurt us. The hurt can be real or imaginary it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we perceive ourselves as having been hurt or treated unfairly, and in response to that perceived injury we feel angry and we want to hurt whoever hurt us. Striking back or running away from hurt is as instinctual in humans as it is with most other animal life forms. What sets us apart from other life forms is our ability to translate hurt into anger and anger into a goal of getting back at who or what has hurt us.
Some people believe that animals can and do feel anger, perhaps, but what sets us apart from animals in this regard is our ability to hold onto the anger and to translate hurt into a desire for revenge. I can’t think of any animal that can be motivated by revenge – in this we are unique.
We are the only species that can react to hurt with conscious planning to ‘hurt back’. So ‘holding a grudge’ is possible only to humans because it is more than a strike back reaction, it involves an emotion no other species has – hatred. Hatred is our own unique ability to hold onto hurt and to nurse the hurt and to plan (or at least want) revenge. Without hatred there can be no desire for revenge. Without hatred there can be no ‘grudge’.
Many people will try and deny that their desire for revenge is based in hatred; they will try and justify their revenge as a ‘desire for justice’, but really, what is “just” about waiting for the opportunity (and planning) to hurt someone? No, getting even is not about justice; it is about hurt that has turned into anger and festered long enough to become hatred. There can be no revenge without hatred, and as much as we don’t want to admit it, down deep inside we know that it is hatred we feel.
Throughout history we have tried to justify our hatred and our revenge, as ‘justice’ or ‘pay back’. We use these terms to hide from ourselves, to pretend that we are not motivated by hatred, but it is a poor lie we tell ourselves.
As children we want to strike back when we are hurt, by adolescence we have learned the dangers of automatic strike back, we have learned that immediate payback often involves the ‘other’ hurting us more. By adulthood most of us have learned to delay the gratification of strike-back, we have learned caution, we have learned patience and most of all, we have learned to hide our anger from others, we have learned to disguise our anger and our hatred. Sometimes, we have even learned to hide our anger and hatred and vengeance from ourselves; we have got so good at pretending that we can even fool ourselves. There are many of us who refuse to admit, and sometimes even to believe, that ‘we’ are even capable of having such an ugly emotion as hatred. Such denial necessitates delusion, practiced long enough we learn to hide ourselves from ourselves. Some people get stuck at the growth stage of ‘hiding our hatred’ or worse yet, get stuck in a world of delusion and self-deception.
Usually by the time we become mature adults we have learned to accept our emotions but not to act on them. Choosing not to act on some of our emotions is an essential part of maturity. Maturity is the never-ending process of learning which emotions have positive effects and which have negative effects. Generally, the more mature we become, the more ability we develop to control our emotions and our actions. However, we can only control the emotions we are aware of, the emotions we have learned to hide from ourselves end up controlling us.
Part of maturity is recognizing that we accomplish nothing by holding onto our hurt and our resulting anger except making ourselves, and those around us, more miserable than is necessary. Maturity involves letting go of our hurt, it involves forgoing the pleasures of vengeance and it involves learning to forgive. Maturity does not necessarily involve forgiving every hurt but it does involve not letting our anger rule our lives.
Maturity involves understanding that we have a limited amount of energy and that energy spent seeking vengeance (or pay-back) is energy that we cannot spend making a positive impact on our friends, family, community, and on our more worthwhile goals. Maturity is a process of becoming more aware of our feelings and what affect our feelings are having on us and on those around us. Maturity is a process of discovery that leads to making saner and more benevolent choices. We never attain perfect maturity. We are always making mistakes and behaving in a manner less than we aimed for, but hopefully as we mature we make better choices. One thing is for sure though – we cannot make better choices while our mind is full of ‘grudges’ running wild and confusing our ability to choose wisely.
We may never be totally free of hatred and the desire for vengeance but we can control whether our hate is controlled by us or is in control of us. Bearing grudges is a draining way to live because, like all critters, grudges grow larger and heavier with time, and grudges tend to breed quickly, and if unchecked eventually consume most of our energy.
There is an old Zen/Sufi/Christian saying: “before setting out for revenge - dig two graves”. A saying worth thinking about.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
ian.lowden@shaw.ca
What an interesting word ‘grudge’ is. Grudges aren’t like kittens or infants, or puppies, they aren’t solid tangible things; yet we talk about them as if they were. Try picturing a ‘grudge’. What does it look like? I’ll bet the picture is of an ugly critter.
Now try picturing “nursing a grudge” or “holding a grudge” or “feeding a grudge” or “carrying a grudge’ It’s pretty hard to picture someone doing these actions without either laughing or being revolted.
A “Grudge” is not just a feeling of anger caused by feeling hurt. It is a desire to ‘even the score’ or to ‘get back’, it is a desire to hurt the person who we perceive as having hurt us. The hurt can be real or imaginary it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we perceive ourselves as having been hurt or treated unfairly, and in response to that perceived injury we feel angry and we want to hurt whoever hurt us. Striking back or running away from hurt is as instinctual in humans as it is with most other animal life forms. What sets us apart from other life forms is our ability to translate hurt into anger and anger into a goal of getting back at who or what has hurt us.
Some people believe that animals can and do feel anger, perhaps, but what sets us apart from animals in this regard is our ability to hold onto the anger and to translate hurt into a desire for revenge. I can’t think of any animal that can be motivated by revenge – in this we are unique.
We are the only species that can react to hurt with conscious planning to ‘hurt back’. So ‘holding a grudge’ is possible only to humans because it is more than a strike back reaction, it involves an emotion no other species has – hatred. Hatred is our own unique ability to hold onto hurt and to nurse the hurt and to plan (or at least want) revenge. Without hatred there can be no desire for revenge. Without hatred there can be no ‘grudge’.
Many people will try and deny that their desire for revenge is based in hatred; they will try and justify their revenge as a ‘desire for justice’, but really, what is “just” about waiting for the opportunity (and planning) to hurt someone? No, getting even is not about justice; it is about hurt that has turned into anger and festered long enough to become hatred. There can be no revenge without hatred, and as much as we don’t want to admit it, down deep inside we know that it is hatred we feel.
Throughout history we have tried to justify our hatred and our revenge, as ‘justice’ or ‘pay back’. We use these terms to hide from ourselves, to pretend that we are not motivated by hatred, but it is a poor lie we tell ourselves.
As children we want to strike back when we are hurt, by adolescence we have learned the dangers of automatic strike back, we have learned that immediate payback often involves the ‘other’ hurting us more. By adulthood most of us have learned to delay the gratification of strike-back, we have learned caution, we have learned patience and most of all, we have learned to hide our anger from others, we have learned to disguise our anger and our hatred. Sometimes, we have even learned to hide our anger and hatred and vengeance from ourselves; we have got so good at pretending that we can even fool ourselves. There are many of us who refuse to admit, and sometimes even to believe, that ‘we’ are even capable of having such an ugly emotion as hatred. Such denial necessitates delusion, practiced long enough we learn to hide ourselves from ourselves. Some people get stuck at the growth stage of ‘hiding our hatred’ or worse yet, get stuck in a world of delusion and self-deception.
Usually by the time we become mature adults we have learned to accept our emotions but not to act on them. Choosing not to act on some of our emotions is an essential part of maturity. Maturity is the never-ending process of learning which emotions have positive effects and which have negative effects. Generally, the more mature we become, the more ability we develop to control our emotions and our actions. However, we can only control the emotions we are aware of, the emotions we have learned to hide from ourselves end up controlling us.
Part of maturity is recognizing that we accomplish nothing by holding onto our hurt and our resulting anger except making ourselves, and those around us, more miserable than is necessary. Maturity involves letting go of our hurt, it involves forgoing the pleasures of vengeance and it involves learning to forgive. Maturity does not necessarily involve forgiving every hurt but it does involve not letting our anger rule our lives.
Maturity involves understanding that we have a limited amount of energy and that energy spent seeking vengeance (or pay-back) is energy that we cannot spend making a positive impact on our friends, family, community, and on our more worthwhile goals. Maturity is a process of becoming more aware of our feelings and what affect our feelings are having on us and on those around us. Maturity is a process of discovery that leads to making saner and more benevolent choices. We never attain perfect maturity. We are always making mistakes and behaving in a manner less than we aimed for, but hopefully as we mature we make better choices. One thing is for sure though – we cannot make better choices while our mind is full of ‘grudges’ running wild and confusing our ability to choose wisely.
We may never be totally free of hatred and the desire for vengeance but we can control whether our hate is controlled by us or is in control of us. Bearing grudges is a draining way to live because, like all critters, grudges grow larger and heavier with time, and grudges tend to breed quickly, and if unchecked eventually consume most of our energy.
There is an old Zen/Sufi/Christian saying: “before setting out for revenge - dig two graves”. A saying worth thinking about.
