Monday, January 16, 2006
Unsung Heroes - Marianne 866
“Marianne 866”
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
This story originated with an email from a person off island – Lorraine 16 – who had been following my writings and had a nominee for “Unsung Heroes”. Lorraine told me about this person (Marianne) on the Internet who helped people find their birth family. I was wondering how to do a story on someone who I thought lived in Vancouver when quite by chance (or the serendipity that seems to live at Roger’s Razz) I ran into another person who had been helped by Marianne in finding her daughter. From this person I learned that Marianne was living right here on Gabriola Island and her last name was Auger. Through a great deal of email with Marianne and a number of people she had helped the story took shape.
What is your background?
“I have lived on Gabriola Island for 6 yrs. I was diagnosed with disabling medical problems and have been forced into early retirement. I am a birth/biological/natural mother of two girls that I relinquished to adoption when I was young. I have reunited with both. The first reunion, with my eldest, was too soon, we were both too young still; that was 10 yrs ago. Through that decade, we have had ups, downs, time outs and so on. Of late, since my daughter has had her own children, our relationship has blossomed into something very special. My other daughter has requested no contact at this time, and I respect that. Each person needs to take their own time and work through their own stuff first.”
Why did you become involved in helping other people find their family?
I have time on my hands now that I am unable to work; my brain is still sharp as a tack and why waste that !! I feel that family is the most important thing we have in our lives and it is a "need to know" thing. I also know that many adoptees are not provided with family background and medical history. I feel this is also a "need to know" thing. I know how fortunate I feel in finding my birth daughters and it feels good to be able to help others. I believe it is up to us who have been fortunate in live to help others, I believe you called it in one of your articles “Paying the Rent” Having reunited with my children has given me the opportunity to tell them the family history, heritage, that they have each other, and health issues. I do what I do because I believe in family, I believe in the right to know, and I believe in “paying the rent”.
How difficult is it for people to find their birth family?
Some people have been searching for yrs for family to no avail because they are not provided with identifying information. Some people just do not know where to start. I am constantly posting information to Canadopt email list on search techniques, pointers and helpful links. Even in doing this, some people are just plain scared to start for fear of rejection, failure and letdown. I council people on this also to prepare them for ALL scenarios, Also provinces vary in how much help you can get form them - Inuvit, BC, ALTA and NFLD/Lab are open policy now and they supply birth information about name and parentage. Ontario is the hardest province to search in, as their laws are old and outdated. Some people are not privy to their birth names, birth family names, etc. In those cases it takes longer to search as it is like a needle in a haystack. The last stats I heard out of Ontario was that there are 77,000 adoptees registered with post adoption services(which are a joke in some instances) yet it is more than likely there are over 120,000 actively searching or wondering about searching in Ontario alone.
How do you help people find their birth family?
I use the Internet for all my searching. I pour through hundreds or thousands of obituaries, genealogy charts, newspaper articles and pictures. I have some files I have been working on for months and others that only take a phone call or two once I have found family information (a day or two of searching). Sadly, most people are not computer savvy, or have the time to devote as I do and I know all the little ins and outs of searching. If a person does not know where to start, the search starts out being difficult.
I start with googling the family if I can. I also use the public libraries across Canada that offer the Ask A Librarian service on line. They are extremely helpful and sometimes the only thing I have is a name and then I have them track the person until they are lost in the shuffle of more people with the same name. I still get frustrated with some searches, as it seems these people have just up and disappeared of the face of the earth. I then just give it a rest for a few weeks and tackle it from a fresh angle. Once I find out information and possible strong lead, then I launch a phone campaign. I find all the people with that last name and start calling. It is a touchy situation and knowing the right words is crucial, I just seem to have a knack for that.
How do searchers find you?
I belong to an Internet registry, Canadopt, and most people that I find or that find me are listed there. I usually see a posting for someone and get a gut feeling that they can be helped. Word of mouth seems to bring people to me also...as I have facilitated searches for friends of a friend etc. I have heard that my reputation of being a "search angel" precedes me...LOL...I am constantly receiving emails from people encouraging me to keep up the excellent work. I have list buddies from Canadopt who look forward to an email from me to the group because I just offer up hope, encouragement and understanding for all those searching
How many people do you help?
I only take on a few files a month providing I have finished up with others. I usually have about a dozen searches on the go at once. I have facilitated in 18 reunions since January this year.
Why do you spend so much time working free when you are on a limited pension?
The biggest reason I guess is just knowing I am doing something good and that it will create peace of mind for many individuals, and bringing together FAMILY! The second reason is that this is something I can do to help make this a better world – You call it “Paying the Rent for the gift of Life”. To me it just feels right.
Are there any drawbacks or problems endemic to the process of finding birth family?
Yes, the person looking whether it be child or parent has to be prepared for rejection and the reconciliation can be a long time coming if ever. Sometimes there are good reasons for not looking – the child may not know they are adopted, or may not want contact. Sometimes the birth parent has not told their present family that they had a child before and don’t want their present family to know. Both of these reasons are ones that mean any search should be done with discretion. Also, sometimes you may not like what you find and you have to be prepared for that.
What do you say to those who say that if you gave the child up you have forfeited any right to be involved in that child’s life?
First of all, if the child or parent does not want contact they are free to refuse it. Secondly, many times children have been given up because the parent did not have any acceptable way of caring for the child at the time, because of age, financial status or illness. Because they had few choices or made one bad choice should not bar them from any contact – the feelings don’t stop when you give up a child. Several people have told me that finding their child or children and finding that the child understands and still accepts the birth parent has done them more good than all the therapy they have been through over the years trying to deal with the decision they made long ago. Thirdly, the adopted child is usually curious and sometimes has been through therapy trying to deal with the fact that they were given away; finding the birth parent and hearing the reasons and how the birth parent feels can often help the adopted child, Finally, there is the health aspect, knowing that certain traits or propensities for illness run in your family can help the child live a healthier life.
I think that the work Marianne 866 does is admirable. My own work over the years with adopted children and with parents that have given up a child tends to corroborate Marianne’s views. It is very hard for an adopted child not to wonder about who and why they were given away and sometimes the answers help them deal with their feelings and get on with their lives. Likewise, finding children you have given up can be helpful to the parent’s mental health. However there are some dangers. The child may not accept the parent’s explanation and the resulting situation can be damaging to one or both. Sometimes, the birth parent does not want the contact and this too can result in more emotional damage to one or to both. Occasionally, there may be good reason to not have contact with the birth parent – the parent may be an addict or a criminal or may be the kind of person who would take advantage of the child financially, or emotionally or in very rare cases, sexually as well. However despite the pitfalls it has been my experience, as well as Marianne’s, that finding family is much more likely to have a positive impact on both the parent and the child and is in the long run a good thing.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
This story originated with an email from a person off island – Lorraine 16 – who had been following my writings and had a nominee for “Unsung Heroes”. Lorraine told me about this person (Marianne) on the Internet who helped people find their birth family. I was wondering how to do a story on someone who I thought lived in Vancouver when quite by chance (or the serendipity that seems to live at Roger’s Razz) I ran into another person who had been helped by Marianne in finding her daughter. From this person I learned that Marianne was living right here on Gabriola Island and her last name was Auger. Through a great deal of email with Marianne and a number of people she had helped the story took shape.
What is your background?
“I have lived on Gabriola Island for 6 yrs. I was diagnosed with disabling medical problems and have been forced into early retirement. I am a birth/biological/natural mother of two girls that I relinquished to adoption when I was young. I have reunited with both. The first reunion, with my eldest, was too soon, we were both too young still; that was 10 yrs ago. Through that decade, we have had ups, downs, time outs and so on. Of late, since my daughter has had her own children, our relationship has blossomed into something very special. My other daughter has requested no contact at this time, and I respect that. Each person needs to take their own time and work through their own stuff first.”
Why did you become involved in helping other people find their family?
I have time on my hands now that I am unable to work; my brain is still sharp as a tack and why waste that !! I feel that family is the most important thing we have in our lives and it is a "need to know" thing. I also know that many adoptees are not provided with family background and medical history. I feel this is also a "need to know" thing. I know how fortunate I feel in finding my birth daughters and it feels good to be able to help others. I believe it is up to us who have been fortunate in live to help others, I believe you called it in one of your articles “Paying the Rent” Having reunited with my children has given me the opportunity to tell them the family history, heritage, that they have each other, and health issues. I do what I do because I believe in family, I believe in the right to know, and I believe in “paying the rent”.
How difficult is it for people to find their birth family?
Some people have been searching for yrs for family to no avail because they are not provided with identifying information. Some people just do not know where to start. I am constantly posting information to Canadopt email list on search techniques, pointers and helpful links. Even in doing this, some people are just plain scared to start for fear of rejection, failure and letdown. I council people on this also to prepare them for ALL scenarios, Also provinces vary in how much help you can get form them - Inuvit, BC, ALTA and NFLD/Lab are open policy now and they supply birth information about name and parentage. Ontario is the hardest province to search in, as their laws are old and outdated. Some people are not privy to their birth names, birth family names, etc. In those cases it takes longer to search as it is like a needle in a haystack. The last stats I heard out of Ontario was that there are 77,000 adoptees registered with post adoption services(which are a joke in some instances) yet it is more than likely there are over 120,000 actively searching or wondering about searching in Ontario alone.
How do you help people find their birth family?
I use the Internet for all my searching. I pour through hundreds or thousands of obituaries, genealogy charts, newspaper articles and pictures. I have some files I have been working on for months and others that only take a phone call or two once I have found family information (a day or two of searching). Sadly, most people are not computer savvy, or have the time to devote as I do and I know all the little ins and outs of searching. If a person does not know where to start, the search starts out being difficult.
I start with googling the family if I can. I also use the public libraries across Canada that offer the Ask A Librarian service on line. They are extremely helpful and sometimes the only thing I have is a name and then I have them track the person until they are lost in the shuffle of more people with the same name. I still get frustrated with some searches, as it seems these people have just up and disappeared of the face of the earth. I then just give it a rest for a few weeks and tackle it from a fresh angle. Once I find out information and possible strong lead, then I launch a phone campaign. I find all the people with that last name and start calling. It is a touchy situation and knowing the right words is crucial, I just seem to have a knack for that.
How do searchers find you?
I belong to an Internet registry, Canadopt, and most people that I find or that find me are listed there. I usually see a posting for someone and get a gut feeling that they can be helped. Word of mouth seems to bring people to me also...as I have facilitated searches for friends of a friend etc. I have heard that my reputation of being a "search angel" precedes me...LOL...I am constantly receiving emails from people encouraging me to keep up the excellent work. I have list buddies from Canadopt who look forward to an email from me to the group because I just offer up hope, encouragement and understanding for all those searching
How many people do you help?
I only take on a few files a month providing I have finished up with others. I usually have about a dozen searches on the go at once. I have facilitated in 18 reunions since January this year.
Why do you spend so much time working free when you are on a limited pension?
The biggest reason I guess is just knowing I am doing something good and that it will create peace of mind for many individuals, and bringing together FAMILY! The second reason is that this is something I can do to help make this a better world – You call it “Paying the Rent for the gift of Life”. To me it just feels right.
Are there any drawbacks or problems endemic to the process of finding birth family?
Yes, the person looking whether it be child or parent has to be prepared for rejection and the reconciliation can be a long time coming if ever. Sometimes there are good reasons for not looking – the child may not know they are adopted, or may not want contact. Sometimes the birth parent has not told their present family that they had a child before and don’t want their present family to know. Both of these reasons are ones that mean any search should be done with discretion. Also, sometimes you may not like what you find and you have to be prepared for that.
What do you say to those who say that if you gave the child up you have forfeited any right to be involved in that child’s life?
First of all, if the child or parent does not want contact they are free to refuse it. Secondly, many times children have been given up because the parent did not have any acceptable way of caring for the child at the time, because of age, financial status or illness. Because they had few choices or made one bad choice should not bar them from any contact – the feelings don’t stop when you give up a child. Several people have told me that finding their child or children and finding that the child understands and still accepts the birth parent has done them more good than all the therapy they have been through over the years trying to deal with the decision they made long ago. Thirdly, the adopted child is usually curious and sometimes has been through therapy trying to deal with the fact that they were given away; finding the birth parent and hearing the reasons and how the birth parent feels can often help the adopted child, Finally, there is the health aspect, knowing that certain traits or propensities for illness run in your family can help the child live a healthier life.
I think that the work Marianne 866 does is admirable. My own work over the years with adopted children and with parents that have given up a child tends to corroborate Marianne’s views. It is very hard for an adopted child not to wonder about who and why they were given away and sometimes the answers help them deal with their feelings and get on with their lives. Likewise, finding children you have given up can be helpful to the parent’s mental health. However there are some dangers. The child may not accept the parent’s explanation and the resulting situation can be damaging to one or both. Sometimes, the birth parent does not want the contact and this too can result in more emotional damage to one or to both. Occasionally, there may be good reason to not have contact with the birth parent – the parent may be an addict or a criminal or may be the kind of person who would take advantage of the child financially, or emotionally or in very rare cases, sexually as well. However despite the pitfalls it has been my experience, as well as Marianne’s, that finding family is much more likely to have a positive impact on both the parent and the child and is in the long run a good thing.
