Monday, January 16, 2006
"Nattering Nabobs of Negativity" - Handbook
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity is a quote, look up who originally coined the phrase.
Every place or community has them. They come in all shapes and sizes, but what they all have in common is that they are always complaining or whining or blaming somebody or something else for their unhappiness, or for their inadequacies. If their marriage breaks up it is someone else’s fault. If their business fails somebody else caused it. If they are unhappy with what they have accomplished, somebody else was holding them back. Nothing is ever good enough or done well enough for these people and yet, they do nothing to make the situation better. They just mill around like lost sheep nattering away. They are constantly negative to any idea that might make the community better and yet they think that they are nabobs and it is up to other lesser people to do the necessary work. Even when others create something new or better in the community these people still grumble, whine and natter, complaining that what others have done is not enough or in some way does not meet with their approval. They are however quick to take the credit if something should work out, all the while nattering on and on about how hard they worked to achieve this thing and what little help they had from others. These people would expect others to row the lifeboat all the while criticizing the efforts of those rowing and nattering about what an inconvenient time and place the ship picked to sink.
The following is from the handbook for developing Nattering Nabobs of Negativity. One must master as many of the following behaviours as possible:
- Find Fault with any positive statement.
- Belittle and trash-talk anybody who does not agree with you.
-Inflate your ego to near bursting pressure (check for leaks, often).
-Gossip viciously and with malice afore thought.
- Dump on anyone with a plan that is different from yours.
-Spread disinformation at every opportunity.
-Assassinate at least one person’s character per week (more if you want extra points).
-Brag whenever possible, about how smart you are.
-Complain about how dumb other people are.
-Take credit for other’ work or ideas.
-Engage in conspiracies regularly.
-Make veiled references to secret and powerful organizations that you belong to (if you can’t think of one, use the Masons, everybody else does).
-Worry about the state of the world so much that no one will expect you to do anything as menial as helping resolve local problems.
-Scoff at others effort at least three times a day.
-Blame your faults on someone else’s behaviour during your formative years (from birth to age 75).
-See hidden agendas in any act of altruism.
-Attribute altruistic motives to your self and friends when you screw the community.
-Screw the community often and thoroughly (but only for altruistic reasons).
-Misinterpret the statements of others (especially those statements you don’t like).
- Manipulate behind the scenes while someone else is the front man.
-Scapegoat someone else if any of your ideas backfire.
-Disparage your elected representatives whenever possible, but don’t run for office.
-Bully someone every day and do it publicly whenever you can.
-Practice looking dangerous when in rage so everyone will be afraid to make you angry.
-Fake a heart attack and blame it on your enemies (make sure you don’t do this too often). - Proclaim that you have the moral high ground whenever you are trying to sneak something by.
-Talk loudly about your ethics so that people are focussed on your innocent face while you pick their pockets.
-Warn of impending doom every hour on the half hour (or whenever someone takes an opposing view).
-Practice looking betrayed and emotionally wounded when anyone suggests that your behaviour is less than honourable.
-Behave dishonourably often (but try not to get caught).
-Be careful not to make any commitments you can’t back out of later.
-Practice denial till you can do it with a straight face and in a believable manner.
-Pretend that you are thinking out loud whenever someone overhears you talking to yourself.
It is not easy to be successful at being a nattering nabob; it takes hard work and commitment to making sure you are always a negative force in your community. It takes nerves of steel to live with the constant fear of being seen as you really are. You must be ever vigilant and on guard so that you don’t accidentally do something positive. It is a hard and lonely road, so you have to really get off on being a martyr.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity is a quote, look up who originally coined the phrase.
Every place or community has them. They come in all shapes and sizes, but what they all have in common is that they are always complaining or whining or blaming somebody or something else for their unhappiness, or for their inadequacies. If their marriage breaks up it is someone else’s fault. If their business fails somebody else caused it. If they are unhappy with what they have accomplished, somebody else was holding them back. Nothing is ever good enough or done well enough for these people and yet, they do nothing to make the situation better. They just mill around like lost sheep nattering away. They are constantly negative to any idea that might make the community better and yet they think that they are nabobs and it is up to other lesser people to do the necessary work. Even when others create something new or better in the community these people still grumble, whine and natter, complaining that what others have done is not enough or in some way does not meet with their approval. They are however quick to take the credit if something should work out, all the while nattering on and on about how hard they worked to achieve this thing and what little help they had from others. These people would expect others to row the lifeboat all the while criticizing the efforts of those rowing and nattering about what an inconvenient time and place the ship picked to sink.
The following is from the handbook for developing Nattering Nabobs of Negativity. One must master as many of the following behaviours as possible:
- Find Fault with any positive statement.
- Belittle and trash-talk anybody who does not agree with you.
-Inflate your ego to near bursting pressure (check for leaks, often).
-Gossip viciously and with malice afore thought.
- Dump on anyone with a plan that is different from yours.
-Spread disinformation at every opportunity.
-Assassinate at least one person’s character per week (more if you want extra points).
-Brag whenever possible, about how smart you are.
-Complain about how dumb other people are.
-Take credit for other’ work or ideas.
-Engage in conspiracies regularly.
-Make veiled references to secret and powerful organizations that you belong to (if you can’t think of one, use the Masons, everybody else does).
-Worry about the state of the world so much that no one will expect you to do anything as menial as helping resolve local problems.
-Scoff at others effort at least three times a day.
-Blame your faults on someone else’s behaviour during your formative years (from birth to age 75).
-See hidden agendas in any act of altruism.
-Attribute altruistic motives to your self and friends when you screw the community.
-Screw the community often and thoroughly (but only for altruistic reasons).
-Misinterpret the statements of others (especially those statements you don’t like).
- Manipulate behind the scenes while someone else is the front man.
-Scapegoat someone else if any of your ideas backfire.
-Disparage your elected representatives whenever possible, but don’t run for office.
-Bully someone every day and do it publicly whenever you can.
-Practice looking dangerous when in rage so everyone will be afraid to make you angry.
-Fake a heart attack and blame it on your enemies (make sure you don’t do this too often). - Proclaim that you have the moral high ground whenever you are trying to sneak something by.
-Talk loudly about your ethics so that people are focussed on your innocent face while you pick their pockets.
-Warn of impending doom every hour on the half hour (or whenever someone takes an opposing view).
-Practice looking betrayed and emotionally wounded when anyone suggests that your behaviour is less than honourable.
-Behave dishonourably often (but try not to get caught).
-Be careful not to make any commitments you can’t back out of later.
-Practice denial till you can do it with a straight face and in a believable manner.
-Pretend that you are thinking out loud whenever someone overhears you talking to yourself.
It is not easy to be successful at being a nattering nabob; it takes hard work and commitment to making sure you are always a negative force in your community. It takes nerves of steel to live with the constant fear of being seen as you really are. You must be ever vigilant and on guard so that you don’t accidentally do something positive. It is a hard and lonely road, so you have to really get off on being a martyr.
