Monday, January 16, 2006
Gossip Is Violence – Part 2
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I have received more feedback (in person and email and phone calls) concerning my article about gossip as violence than I have about the previous 5 articles on violence combined. It appears virtually everyone has been the victim of gossip and many, many people expressed their disgust for gossips. Many of the people who read my article related that it was the first time they understood gossip as just another form of abuse perpetrated by violent and malicious people and, that this way of looking at these abusers, made it easier for them to recognize them and defend against them.
A few people didn’t quite understand my working definition of abusers and thought that everybody who talks about others is a gossip. If this were the case then we would all be gossips. I don’t mean that at all. There is a huge difference between information exchange and malicious gossip. We can all share information like, “Bill lost his job, got divorced, or left the island.” We may even speculate as to the why and how Bill did whatever it was that he did. This is natural information exchange and idle speculation. There is a huge and qualitative difference between this relatively innocent activity and that which true hard-core gossips do. The gossips purpose in relating their information is to cause you to dislike, disapprove of or otherwise join them in their effort to damage and hurt someone else. Gossips make the conscious decision to add to the facts, or distort the facts or to make up the whole story to cause someone harm. They are not “information exchanging” or “speculating” they are deliberately trying to abuse someone. They want to get you to join in with them in doing violence to another.
The difference between gossips and other violent perps is that gossips never commit their violence face to face with their victims; they are creatures of the shadows. They operate like muggers striking from behind but unlike muggers who do their violence for profit, the gossips do their abuse simply because they like hurting others and they have usually become addicted to it. The other thing that separates muggers from gossips is that muggers pick strangers and gossips pick their friends, neighbours and co-workers.
The question many have asked is what motivates gossips. At the risk of offending some I would suggest that the motivation is exactly the same as other abusers- power, revenge, acting out their own hurt, and the need to feel superior. Like anyone else that abuses, gossips have low self esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and a deep-seated feeling that they just don’t measure up to others. I also think there is almost always a feeling of envy as well.
Few, if any of us, can claim to have never gossiped, most of us have done it lots of times, but, there is a difference between those that occasionally give in to the impulse and those who are addicted to this particular form of abuse. The difference is that as most of us grow older we become more comfortable with ourselves, we accept our limitations more, and we have found better ways of meeting our needs. Gossips in a sense are like alcoholics and other addicts in that the more they do it the more they need to do it. Hardcore gossips cannot get through the day without fixes. The gossip addicts need their fix so much that if they cannot find something about a person to tear down they will often make up something. There is an old saying about drug addicts that also fits gossips. Question: How do you know when a gossip is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving.
I think gossips are people that have been attacked and savaged so often in their own lives that they see the world as a hostile place, where they have to get their revenge whenever and however they can; but, because they are also cowards, they fear getting caught. Well guess what guys! Most people (even your fellow gossips) know you for what you are. You are not well hidden. In fact most of you are well known for your viciousness.
If indeed malicious gossips are also people that have been attacked and savaged in their own lives, are they then to be hated or pitied for what they have become? Neither, I think. All of us have been victims in life but that does not give us the right to victimize others. Like any other responsible adult, gossips (and other abusers) have to grow up, get help if they need it, but above all they have to take the responsibility for their actions and they have to stop the abuse. Our responsibility to them is to confront them when they do their abuse and by confronting them put the onus of change back on them. We may pity them but we don’t have to accept their actions. We don’t have to be their victims either.
In an upcoming article called “Gossip About Me, Not to Me” I will be discussing ways that others and myself have come up with to defend against gossips. I welcome your input.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I have received more feedback (in person and email and phone calls) concerning my article about gossip as violence than I have about the previous 5 articles on violence combined. It appears virtually everyone has been the victim of gossip and many, many people expressed their disgust for gossips. Many of the people who read my article related that it was the first time they understood gossip as just another form of abuse perpetrated by violent and malicious people and, that this way of looking at these abusers, made it easier for them to recognize them and defend against them.
A few people didn’t quite understand my working definition of abusers and thought that everybody who talks about others is a gossip. If this were the case then we would all be gossips. I don’t mean that at all. There is a huge difference between information exchange and malicious gossip. We can all share information like, “Bill lost his job, got divorced, or left the island.” We may even speculate as to the why and how Bill did whatever it was that he did. This is natural information exchange and idle speculation. There is a huge and qualitative difference between this relatively innocent activity and that which true hard-core gossips do. The gossips purpose in relating their information is to cause you to dislike, disapprove of or otherwise join them in their effort to damage and hurt someone else. Gossips make the conscious decision to add to the facts, or distort the facts or to make up the whole story to cause someone harm. They are not “information exchanging” or “speculating” they are deliberately trying to abuse someone. They want to get you to join in with them in doing violence to another.
The difference between gossips and other violent perps is that gossips never commit their violence face to face with their victims; they are creatures of the shadows. They operate like muggers striking from behind but unlike muggers who do their violence for profit, the gossips do their abuse simply because they like hurting others and they have usually become addicted to it. The other thing that separates muggers from gossips is that muggers pick strangers and gossips pick their friends, neighbours and co-workers.
The question many have asked is what motivates gossips. At the risk of offending some I would suggest that the motivation is exactly the same as other abusers- power, revenge, acting out their own hurt, and the need to feel superior. Like anyone else that abuses, gossips have low self esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and a deep-seated feeling that they just don’t measure up to others. I also think there is almost always a feeling of envy as well.
Few, if any of us, can claim to have never gossiped, most of us have done it lots of times, but, there is a difference between those that occasionally give in to the impulse and those who are addicted to this particular form of abuse. The difference is that as most of us grow older we become more comfortable with ourselves, we accept our limitations more, and we have found better ways of meeting our needs. Gossips in a sense are like alcoholics and other addicts in that the more they do it the more they need to do it. Hardcore gossips cannot get through the day without fixes. The gossip addicts need their fix so much that if they cannot find something about a person to tear down they will often make up something. There is an old saying about drug addicts that also fits gossips. Question: How do you know when a gossip is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving.
I think gossips are people that have been attacked and savaged so often in their own lives that they see the world as a hostile place, where they have to get their revenge whenever and however they can; but, because they are also cowards, they fear getting caught. Well guess what guys! Most people (even your fellow gossips) know you for what you are. You are not well hidden. In fact most of you are well known for your viciousness.
If indeed malicious gossips are also people that have been attacked and savaged in their own lives, are they then to be hated or pitied for what they have become? Neither, I think. All of us have been victims in life but that does not give us the right to victimize others. Like any other responsible adult, gossips (and other abusers) have to grow up, get help if they need it, but above all they have to take the responsibility for their actions and they have to stop the abuse. Our responsibility to them is to confront them when they do their abuse and by confronting them put the onus of change back on them. We may pity them but we don’t have to accept their actions. We don’t have to be their victims either.
In an upcoming article called “Gossip About Me, Not to Me” I will be discussing ways that others and myself have come up with to defend against gossips. I welcome your input.
