Monday, January 16, 2006
Gossip About Me Not To Me
Gossip About Me Not To Me
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Malicious gossip is different from idle speculation and information exchange. The purpose of the malicious gossiper is to deliberately harm others and, like the physical, sexual and other emotional abusers, they believe hurting others is their right. They believe that their sadistic impulses are normal and natural. Though none of us can claim to be totally free of the impulse to make ourselves feel better at the expense of another, most of us recognize that harming others is wrong, and when we realize we have done so, most of us are sorry and somewhat ashamed. Not so with the malicious gossip. The malicious gossip seeks out opportunities to harm others and they delight in doing so. They seldom if ever question why they feel the need to damage others and seem to be incapable of feeling guilt for their conduct. They sometimes even believe that it is they who are normal and harming others is the right thing to do. They believe that guilt is something for the weak to feel. There are some of these people who recognize that what they are doing is wrong but lack the will to change their behaviour.
Regardless of why they choose this path, by almost any definition those who delight in inflicting harm on others are mentally ill, yet they are the least likely group to recognize their illness or to seek help to change. This is sad and pathetic and we may even pity them, but like most other public menaces the responsibility for their actions lies with them. The concern of the sane majority is how to protect ourselves from those who find their delight in harming us.
Many people live in fear of being gossiped about and try to appease the gossips by agreeing with them or by trying to avoid coming to the attention of the gossips. Both of these approaches are bound to fail because as sure as death and taxes those who gossip to you will always gossip about you, it is inherent in their nature. Trying to live quietly and not become an item of gossip is also doomed to failure because abusers seek out victims that they perceive as meek and unable to stand up to them. Likewise what you do or don’t do is no protection because malicious gossips don’t really care whether they are spreading fact or fiction. They will gossip about almost anyone and have no problem with making things up should they lack facts. So what then is the defence against gossip? I have discussed this question with many and the only consensus is that gossips (like other abusers) are essentially cowards, and thus they are particularly prone to attack those who they don’t think will confront them. They tend to be careful about avoiding gossiping about those who are likely to take them on. The defence some of us have come up with is threefold.
First, recognize that malicious gossips are a minority; most people are too busy living to have the time or the need to gossip. Second, recognize that the majority of people recognize a gossip for what they are and take everything they say with a whopping big grain of salt. Third, the best defence is a good offence. When someone gossips to you, confront him or her. Ask them, why are they telling you this? Ask them, why they are angry with the person they are gossiping about? Ask them if they really think you are going to buy into this gossip and think badly of the victim? Ask them, why do they spread gossip? Ask them, if their lives are so meaningless and pitifully sad that this is the only way they can feel better about themselves?
The advantages of this approach lets the gossip know you recognize them for what they are and are not intimidated. This approach also has the advantage of bringing to people’s attention that they are slipping into maliciousness, sometimes confrontation is enough to make the neophyte gossip stop and take stock of themselves and perhaps they will change. This approach also lets abusers know that you are part of the sane majority and if they value their relationship with you then they should do some soul searching. Most importantly it lets the gossip know that you refuse to be intimidated by them and just as importantly, your example will gain you the respect of others and make it easier for others to stand up to the abusers.
Gossips hate being recognized for what they are. Turning the light of confrontation on them is akin to turning over a rock and watching the bugs scurry for cover. Abusers are creatures of darkness and secrecy, confronting them will not cure the hardened abuser but knowing they are recognized will intimidate them. Abusers are reluctant to try and abuse someone who stands up to them publicly. They fear those who will take them on, and consequently they will avoid you, which in itself will increase the quality of your life.
Lastly there is a real joy in saying to these creatures, “Gossip about me if you must but don’t dare gossip to me.” Taking a stand against abuse not only makes you feel better but it helps you become a more complete person, and, it helps make our community a slightly better place to live.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Malicious gossip is different from idle speculation and information exchange. The purpose of the malicious gossiper is to deliberately harm others and, like the physical, sexual and other emotional abusers, they believe hurting others is their right. They believe that their sadistic impulses are normal and natural. Though none of us can claim to be totally free of the impulse to make ourselves feel better at the expense of another, most of us recognize that harming others is wrong, and when we realize we have done so, most of us are sorry and somewhat ashamed. Not so with the malicious gossip. The malicious gossip seeks out opportunities to harm others and they delight in doing so. They seldom if ever question why they feel the need to damage others and seem to be incapable of feeling guilt for their conduct. They sometimes even believe that it is they who are normal and harming others is the right thing to do. They believe that guilt is something for the weak to feel. There are some of these people who recognize that what they are doing is wrong but lack the will to change their behaviour.
Regardless of why they choose this path, by almost any definition those who delight in inflicting harm on others are mentally ill, yet they are the least likely group to recognize their illness or to seek help to change. This is sad and pathetic and we may even pity them, but like most other public menaces the responsibility for their actions lies with them. The concern of the sane majority is how to protect ourselves from those who find their delight in harming us.
Many people live in fear of being gossiped about and try to appease the gossips by agreeing with them or by trying to avoid coming to the attention of the gossips. Both of these approaches are bound to fail because as sure as death and taxes those who gossip to you will always gossip about you, it is inherent in their nature. Trying to live quietly and not become an item of gossip is also doomed to failure because abusers seek out victims that they perceive as meek and unable to stand up to them. Likewise what you do or don’t do is no protection because malicious gossips don’t really care whether they are spreading fact or fiction. They will gossip about almost anyone and have no problem with making things up should they lack facts. So what then is the defence against gossip? I have discussed this question with many and the only consensus is that gossips (like other abusers) are essentially cowards, and thus they are particularly prone to attack those who they don’t think will confront them. They tend to be careful about avoiding gossiping about those who are likely to take them on. The defence some of us have come up with is threefold.
First, recognize that malicious gossips are a minority; most people are too busy living to have the time or the need to gossip. Second, recognize that the majority of people recognize a gossip for what they are and take everything they say with a whopping big grain of salt. Third, the best defence is a good offence. When someone gossips to you, confront him or her. Ask them, why are they telling you this? Ask them, why they are angry with the person they are gossiping about? Ask them if they really think you are going to buy into this gossip and think badly of the victim? Ask them, why do they spread gossip? Ask them, if their lives are so meaningless and pitifully sad that this is the only way they can feel better about themselves?
The advantages of this approach lets the gossip know you recognize them for what they are and are not intimidated. This approach also has the advantage of bringing to people’s attention that they are slipping into maliciousness, sometimes confrontation is enough to make the neophyte gossip stop and take stock of themselves and perhaps they will change. This approach also lets abusers know that you are part of the sane majority and if they value their relationship with you then they should do some soul searching. Most importantly it lets the gossip know that you refuse to be intimidated by them and just as importantly, your example will gain you the respect of others and make it easier for others to stand up to the abusers.
Gossips hate being recognized for what they are. Turning the light of confrontation on them is akin to turning over a rock and watching the bugs scurry for cover. Abusers are creatures of darkness and secrecy, confronting them will not cure the hardened abuser but knowing they are recognized will intimidate them. Abusers are reluctant to try and abuse someone who stands up to them publicly. They fear those who will take them on, and consequently they will avoid you, which in itself will increase the quality of your life.
Lastly there is a real joy in saying to these creatures, “Gossip about me if you must but don’t dare gossip to me.” Taking a stand against abuse not only makes you feel better but it helps you become a more complete person, and, it helps make our community a slightly better place to live.
