Monday, January 16, 2006
Barbarians at the Gates
Barbarians at the Gates
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
I don’t usually write political articles, not because I have no interest in politics, but because I am usually busy with other things. However, some recent events here on Gabriola, involving the abuse of some of our elected representatives in general, and a couple of abusive events in particular, has caused me sufficient anger that I feel that I must address the issue.
We live in a democracy in Canada. We are lucky we do so; much of the world has even less say than we do. Despite it’s obvious faults democracy is worth having and it is worth defending. Thomas Jefferson once said that, “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.” He was absolutely correct; if we want to keep our democratic rights we must be willing to defend those rights. We must remain vigilant, because there are barbarians at the gates and if we stop defending they will quickly be inside and democracy will cease.
I’m sure lots of you readers are saying, “Yea, I understand, but how does that affect us here on Gabriola?” It affects us, because like anywhere else, we have people here on this island that don’t like democracy. We have people who would like to decide things for us; who think they are smarter than us and therefore believe that they have the right to manipulate, harass and/or bully us into accepting their views of what is right for us. They believe that they have the right to ignore the principles of democracy to get what they want. They think that their views are so much better than ours that they believe they should decide things for us, without going to the bother of being elected. Some of these people seem to feel that it is beneath them and unnecessary for them to stand for election and let the majority decide. Some think that the average Gabriolan is a country hick, barely smart enough to mark a ballot and certainly not smart enough to really understand the issues. Every democracy and every community has these people who like the benefits of living in a “free country” but don’t feel the rules of democracy apply to them. They are wrong! Having freedom means accepting the rules of behaviour that protect our freedom, even when those rules are inconvenient.
There will always be people who feel that they are smarter than us, and therefore we should do, as they want. Likewise, greed is endemic to the human condition and there will always be people willing to profit themselves at the expense of the rest of us. These people, whether they be driven by greed or vanity, tend to find each other and become allies because they share the same goal – they want to be our rulers. They want to be in charge, they want to decide our futures. That does not mean that everyone who doesn’t vote our way is the enemy or even that they are wrong; part of democracy is respecting the rights of those who dissent. We have the right to dissent and even protest, but there are rules governing our dissent and protest. If we disagree, then by all means write or phone or visit our representative. We have the right to object to decisions made by our representatives, but our representatives have rights as well. Our representatives have the right to go shopping, picnicking, visiting friends, etc. In short, they have a right to have a life outside of the office. And, they have the right to go about their business, the same as the rest of us, without being attacked, bullied, intimidated or having to endure someone screaming abuse in their face.
Democracy has many faults, but it is the best system to protect the rights of most of us. We elect representatives in our form of democracy and these representatives are the people we trust to make decisions affecting all of us. We may not always agree with every decision made by our representatives. If we disagree with a sufficient number of decisions we may well choose to vote for new representatives in the next election. We don’t have to agree with every decision to recognize that our representatives deserve some respect. Our representatives are an extension of our will and disrespecting them is disrespecting all of us. We can disagree with our representatives and we can try to influence their decisions, but what we cannot allow is for a group or an individual to attack them unfairly; we cannot allow them to be assaulted and bullied. If we allow people to try and bully, harass or intimidate our representatives then we are allowing the barbarians to enter our gates.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
I don’t usually write political articles, not because I have no interest in politics, but because I am usually busy with other things. However, some recent events here on Gabriola, involving the abuse of some of our elected representatives in general, and a couple of abusive events in particular, has caused me sufficient anger that I feel that I must address the issue.
We live in a democracy in Canada. We are lucky we do so; much of the world has even less say than we do. Despite it’s obvious faults democracy is worth having and it is worth defending. Thomas Jefferson once said that, “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.” He was absolutely correct; if we want to keep our democratic rights we must be willing to defend those rights. We must remain vigilant, because there are barbarians at the gates and if we stop defending they will quickly be inside and democracy will cease.
I’m sure lots of you readers are saying, “Yea, I understand, but how does that affect us here on Gabriola?” It affects us, because like anywhere else, we have people here on this island that don’t like democracy. We have people who would like to decide things for us; who think they are smarter than us and therefore believe that they have the right to manipulate, harass and/or bully us into accepting their views of what is right for us. They believe that they have the right to ignore the principles of democracy to get what they want. They think that their views are so much better than ours that they believe they should decide things for us, without going to the bother of being elected. Some of these people seem to feel that it is beneath them and unnecessary for them to stand for election and let the majority decide. Some think that the average Gabriolan is a country hick, barely smart enough to mark a ballot and certainly not smart enough to really understand the issues. Every democracy and every community has these people who like the benefits of living in a “free country” but don’t feel the rules of democracy apply to them. They are wrong! Having freedom means accepting the rules of behaviour that protect our freedom, even when those rules are inconvenient.
There will always be people who feel that they are smarter than us, and therefore we should do, as they want. Likewise, greed is endemic to the human condition and there will always be people willing to profit themselves at the expense of the rest of us. These people, whether they be driven by greed or vanity, tend to find each other and become allies because they share the same goal – they want to be our rulers. They want to be in charge, they want to decide our futures. That does not mean that everyone who doesn’t vote our way is the enemy or even that they are wrong; part of democracy is respecting the rights of those who dissent. We have the right to dissent and even protest, but there are rules governing our dissent and protest. If we disagree, then by all means write or phone or visit our representative. We have the right to object to decisions made by our representatives, but our representatives have rights as well. Our representatives have the right to go shopping, picnicking, visiting friends, etc. In short, they have a right to have a life outside of the office. And, they have the right to go about their business, the same as the rest of us, without being attacked, bullied, intimidated or having to endure someone screaming abuse in their face.
Democracy has many faults, but it is the best system to protect the rights of most of us. We elect representatives in our form of democracy and these representatives are the people we trust to make decisions affecting all of us. We may not always agree with every decision made by our representatives. If we disagree with a sufficient number of decisions we may well choose to vote for new representatives in the next election. We don’t have to agree with every decision to recognize that our representatives deserve some respect. Our representatives are an extension of our will and disrespecting them is disrespecting all of us. We can disagree with our representatives and we can try to influence their decisions, but what we cannot allow is for a group or an individual to attack them unfairly; we cannot allow them to be assaulted and bullied. If we allow people to try and bully, harass or intimidate our representatives then we are allowing the barbarians to enter our gates.
Do We Change Much After 50?
Do We Change Much After 50?
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Common sense would seem to dictate that the answer would be yes. By the time we are fifty plus we have had more than half our lifetimes to figure out others and ourselves. We have a wealth of experience about what behaviours are successful and which ones aren’t. We have had lots of time for introspection and have relieved lots and lots of feedback about ourselves. We have (hopefully) gained wisdom and learned much about our own patterns of behaviour and also have learned much about the patterns of others. We have learned (with varying degrees of accuracy) how to predict what other people are likely to do in any given situation. We are well passed the naivety of youth and have learned how to exist with, and maybe even profit from our social environment.
We have read books, raised children, made and lost friends, discussed life and the meaning of it with many people. We have had significant interaction with well over a thousand people, and learned how to get along in a wide variety of situations. We have had good bosses and bad, been a good boss and a bad one, changed occupations, quit jobs, been fired from jobs, and watched as whole occupations disappeared. We have made friends and lost friends, and have been intimately involved in the lives of our friends. We have moved into new communities, and left other communities. We have watched untold hours of movies, television, and 24-hour news keeping us informed of whatever tragedies were in vogue with the media. We have observed much, missed much, and learned much.
We have set goals, sometimes met or exceeded our goals, and set new goals. Our taste in music has changed, as has our taste in all the arts. We have sampled a wide variety of lifestyles, changed our mind, changed our beliefs, and changed our dwellings and the vehicles we drive. Many of us have even changed our mates. Our views on religion, politics, ethics, and personal values have all changed. We have lived in different economic and social conditions. We have watched and/or been part of our very society changing. We have lived through the revolutions of technology and social mores in our society, and watched the world change and cultures become more homogenized. We have changed our views on what being successful means and changed the direction of our lives.
We have lived through all sorts of changes and come to realize that nothing remains static, nothing remains the same no matter how hard we try. We have come to expect, and sometimes even embrace, change. We have learned that the one thing we can count on is nothing remains the same, that the only surety is change itself.
Given all our experience of change why is it that we struggle against it? Why do we hold tenaciously to outmoded ideas and beliefs? Why do we struggle so hard to resist change and hold on tightly to some of our ideas? Is it because our old values and ideas are somehow morally superior or do we just need something to believe in that doesn’t change? I think the answer to that last question is both. Some values are worth hanging onto no matter how much the world around us changes. Sometimes we cling to places things, ideas and even people because we fear what change will bring. Learning which things we hold onto because they are worth holding onto and which things we hold onto out of fear is part of adapting to a world that never stops changing.
Understanding that “times of change bring increased risks but also bring increased opportunities for growth” is key to how we approach the rest of our lives. If we let change overwhelm us to the point where we don’t try to keep even those values that are worthwhile, this leads us down the path of apathy and despair. Trying to resist all change leaves us overwhelmed and on the path to desperation. Managing change so that we keep what is important and let what needs to change do so is the path to wisdom and generativity.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Common sense would seem to dictate that the answer would be yes. By the time we are fifty plus we have had more than half our lifetimes to figure out others and ourselves. We have a wealth of experience about what behaviours are successful and which ones aren’t. We have had lots of time for introspection and have relieved lots and lots of feedback about ourselves. We have (hopefully) gained wisdom and learned much about our own patterns of behaviour and also have learned much about the patterns of others. We have learned (with varying degrees of accuracy) how to predict what other people are likely to do in any given situation. We are well passed the naivety of youth and have learned how to exist with, and maybe even profit from our social environment.
We have read books, raised children, made and lost friends, discussed life and the meaning of it with many people. We have had significant interaction with well over a thousand people, and learned how to get along in a wide variety of situations. We have had good bosses and bad, been a good boss and a bad one, changed occupations, quit jobs, been fired from jobs, and watched as whole occupations disappeared. We have made friends and lost friends, and have been intimately involved in the lives of our friends. We have moved into new communities, and left other communities. We have watched untold hours of movies, television, and 24-hour news keeping us informed of whatever tragedies were in vogue with the media. We have observed much, missed much, and learned much.
We have set goals, sometimes met or exceeded our goals, and set new goals. Our taste in music has changed, as has our taste in all the arts. We have sampled a wide variety of lifestyles, changed our mind, changed our beliefs, and changed our dwellings and the vehicles we drive. Many of us have even changed our mates. Our views on religion, politics, ethics, and personal values have all changed. We have lived in different economic and social conditions. We have watched and/or been part of our very society changing. We have lived through the revolutions of technology and social mores in our society, and watched the world change and cultures become more homogenized. We have changed our views on what being successful means and changed the direction of our lives.
We have lived through all sorts of changes and come to realize that nothing remains static, nothing remains the same no matter how hard we try. We have come to expect, and sometimes even embrace, change. We have learned that the one thing we can count on is nothing remains the same, that the only surety is change itself.
Given all our experience of change why is it that we struggle against it? Why do we hold tenaciously to outmoded ideas and beliefs? Why do we struggle so hard to resist change and hold on tightly to some of our ideas? Is it because our old values and ideas are somehow morally superior or do we just need something to believe in that doesn’t change? I think the answer to that last question is both. Some values are worth hanging onto no matter how much the world around us changes. Sometimes we cling to places things, ideas and even people because we fear what change will bring. Learning which things we hold onto because they are worth holding onto and which things we hold onto out of fear is part of adapting to a world that never stops changing.
Understanding that “times of change bring increased risks but also bring increased opportunities for growth” is key to how we approach the rest of our lives. If we let change overwhelm us to the point where we don’t try to keep even those values that are worthwhile, this leads us down the path of apathy and despair. Trying to resist all change leaves us overwhelmed and on the path to desperation. Managing change so that we keep what is important and let what needs to change do so is the path to wisdom and generativity.
Then and Now - Fred Withey
Then and Now
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
As some of you know I am gathering material for a history of Gabriola –1945 to 2005. Sort of trying to pick up where June left off. With that in mind I have been seeking out personal accounts, journals, pictures, documents and memorabilia of gabriola during that time period. The reason I am doing this now is that people who lived here during those years are aging and if we want first hand accounts then now is the time. With that in mind I am encouraging involvement in this heritage project, and I believe the best way to encourage involvement is to print some of that information. I am hoping that future columns of Then and Now will be written largely by the people who where there. The information for this column comes from Fred Withey who was born hers in 1940 and whose father started the shipyard at Silva Bay.
In the early fifties there were approximately 300 people living on Gabriola going up to 500 by the mid 60’s, I say approximately because then as now it is almost impossible to get an accurate census.
Then there was one phone line with 32 homes using it. Everyone had a combination of long and short rings and listening in to your neighbours conversations was even easier than it is now with cell phones, then as now some felt the phone service inadequate but many didn’t have phones at all. There were three grocery and dry goods stores each of which doubled as a gas station for cars and boats. These stores filled the role of supplying hardware, building materials and local gossip. Strangely enough, given the population, each gas station was supplied by tankers of separate oil companies.
Then as now the ferry service was perceived as being inadequate with a side loader that carried five cars, and 2 – 4 sailings per day usually, but none if the seas were rough as the boat didn’t have the engine power to work against high winds and rough seas were dangerous.
There where no paved roads or strip malls, and no hotels or bed and breakfasts per se as there weren’t many if any tourists, but apparently there was a coffee shop run by Bea and Ben Bodaker. There was a post office and part-time taxi, and there was even a limited bus service – the small school bus took paying passengers as well as students. There were two schools one near the community hall for grades 4-6 and the other for grades 1-3 in what is now the Women’s Institute. The North and South end had separate community halls (which had quite a rivalry stemming in large part from how and where the ferry got located). Then as now there were diverse groups each claiming to be the majority.
. Other than at the shipyard there were few full time jobs so most people worked at a variety of things depending on the season - farming, fishing, logging, general labour. Even the road crew was originally part-time. Electricity came to the island the same year as the first salmon barbecue –1955. Television came in 53 (although few could afford it or had a generator to power it) and the only station people could get was Seattle.
Fred reports that there were few fences on the island so the sheep and deer often got into people’s gardens. “There used to be lots of Squirrels and Chipmunks. Also lots of Grouse. There were less Deer than today, very few Seals, lots more Fish, many more Orcas, fewer Blue Herons. There were no Geese, less Eagles, no Turkey Vultures”. Orcas where then known as Killer Whales and people believed they were dangerous – Fishermen would often shoot them if they got a chance”.
Despite the hard work and lack of luxuries (or what we often think of as necessities today) Fred says it was a great place to live and for kids to grow up – many people still think so. Thanks Fred.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
As some of you know I am gathering material for a history of Gabriola –1945 to 2005. Sort of trying to pick up where June left off. With that in mind I have been seeking out personal accounts, journals, pictures, documents and memorabilia of gabriola during that time period. The reason I am doing this now is that people who lived here during those years are aging and if we want first hand accounts then now is the time. With that in mind I am encouraging involvement in this heritage project, and I believe the best way to encourage involvement is to print some of that information. I am hoping that future columns of Then and Now will be written largely by the people who where there. The information for this column comes from Fred Withey who was born hers in 1940 and whose father started the shipyard at Silva Bay.
In the early fifties there were approximately 300 people living on Gabriola going up to 500 by the mid 60’s, I say approximately because then as now it is almost impossible to get an accurate census.
Then there was one phone line with 32 homes using it. Everyone had a combination of long and short rings and listening in to your neighbours conversations was even easier than it is now with cell phones, then as now some felt the phone service inadequate but many didn’t have phones at all. There were three grocery and dry goods stores each of which doubled as a gas station for cars and boats. These stores filled the role of supplying hardware, building materials and local gossip. Strangely enough, given the population, each gas station was supplied by tankers of separate oil companies.
Then as now the ferry service was perceived as being inadequate with a side loader that carried five cars, and 2 – 4 sailings per day usually, but none if the seas were rough as the boat didn’t have the engine power to work against high winds and rough seas were dangerous.
There where no paved roads or strip malls, and no hotels or bed and breakfasts per se as there weren’t many if any tourists, but apparently there was a coffee shop run by Bea and Ben Bodaker. There was a post office and part-time taxi, and there was even a limited bus service – the small school bus took paying passengers as well as students. There were two schools one near the community hall for grades 4-6 and the other for grades 1-3 in what is now the Women’s Institute. The North and South end had separate community halls (which had quite a rivalry stemming in large part from how and where the ferry got located). Then as now there were diverse groups each claiming to be the majority.
. Other than at the shipyard there were few full time jobs so most people worked at a variety of things depending on the season - farming, fishing, logging, general labour. Even the road crew was originally part-time. Electricity came to the island the same year as the first salmon barbecue –1955. Television came in 53 (although few could afford it or had a generator to power it) and the only station people could get was Seattle.
Fred reports that there were few fences on the island so the sheep and deer often got into people’s gardens. “There used to be lots of Squirrels and Chipmunks. Also lots of Grouse. There were less Deer than today, very few Seals, lots more Fish, many more Orcas, fewer Blue Herons. There were no Geese, less Eagles, no Turkey Vultures”. Orcas where then known as Killer Whales and people believed they were dangerous – Fishermen would often shoot them if they got a chance”.
Despite the hard work and lack of luxuries (or what we often think of as necessities today) Fred says it was a great place to live and for kids to grow up – many people still think so. Thanks Fred.
"Nattering Nabobs of Negativity" - Handbook
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity is a quote, look up who originally coined the phrase.
Every place or community has them. They come in all shapes and sizes, but what they all have in common is that they are always complaining or whining or blaming somebody or something else for their unhappiness, or for their inadequacies. If their marriage breaks up it is someone else’s fault. If their business fails somebody else caused it. If they are unhappy with what they have accomplished, somebody else was holding them back. Nothing is ever good enough or done well enough for these people and yet, they do nothing to make the situation better. They just mill around like lost sheep nattering away. They are constantly negative to any idea that might make the community better and yet they think that they are nabobs and it is up to other lesser people to do the necessary work. Even when others create something new or better in the community these people still grumble, whine and natter, complaining that what others have done is not enough or in some way does not meet with their approval. They are however quick to take the credit if something should work out, all the while nattering on and on about how hard they worked to achieve this thing and what little help they had from others. These people would expect others to row the lifeboat all the while criticizing the efforts of those rowing and nattering about what an inconvenient time and place the ship picked to sink.
The following is from the handbook for developing Nattering Nabobs of Negativity. One must master as many of the following behaviours as possible:
- Find Fault with any positive statement.
- Belittle and trash-talk anybody who does not agree with you.
-Inflate your ego to near bursting pressure (check for leaks, often).
-Gossip viciously and with malice afore thought.
- Dump on anyone with a plan that is different from yours.
-Spread disinformation at every opportunity.
-Assassinate at least one person’s character per week (more if you want extra points).
-Brag whenever possible, about how smart you are.
-Complain about how dumb other people are.
-Take credit for other’ work or ideas.
-Engage in conspiracies regularly.
-Make veiled references to secret and powerful organizations that you belong to (if you can’t think of one, use the Masons, everybody else does).
-Worry about the state of the world so much that no one will expect you to do anything as menial as helping resolve local problems.
-Scoff at others effort at least three times a day.
-Blame your faults on someone else’s behaviour during your formative years (from birth to age 75).
-See hidden agendas in any act of altruism.
-Attribute altruistic motives to your self and friends when you screw the community.
-Screw the community often and thoroughly (but only for altruistic reasons).
-Misinterpret the statements of others (especially those statements you don’t like).
- Manipulate behind the scenes while someone else is the front man.
-Scapegoat someone else if any of your ideas backfire.
-Disparage your elected representatives whenever possible, but don’t run for office.
-Bully someone every day and do it publicly whenever you can.
-Practice looking dangerous when in rage so everyone will be afraid to make you angry.
-Fake a heart attack and blame it on your enemies (make sure you don’t do this too often). - Proclaim that you have the moral high ground whenever you are trying to sneak something by.
-Talk loudly about your ethics so that people are focussed on your innocent face while you pick their pockets.
-Warn of impending doom every hour on the half hour (or whenever someone takes an opposing view).
-Practice looking betrayed and emotionally wounded when anyone suggests that your behaviour is less than honourable.
-Behave dishonourably often (but try not to get caught).
-Be careful not to make any commitments you can’t back out of later.
-Practice denial till you can do it with a straight face and in a believable manner.
-Pretend that you are thinking out loud whenever someone overhears you talking to yourself.
It is not easy to be successful at being a nattering nabob; it takes hard work and commitment to making sure you are always a negative force in your community. It takes nerves of steel to live with the constant fear of being seen as you really are. You must be ever vigilant and on guard so that you don’t accidentally do something positive. It is a hard and lonely road, so you have to really get off on being a martyr.
By Ian Lowden, M.Sc., B.A.
Nattering Nabobs of Negativity is a quote, look up who originally coined the phrase.
Every place or community has them. They come in all shapes and sizes, but what they all have in common is that they are always complaining or whining or blaming somebody or something else for their unhappiness, or for their inadequacies. If their marriage breaks up it is someone else’s fault. If their business fails somebody else caused it. If they are unhappy with what they have accomplished, somebody else was holding them back. Nothing is ever good enough or done well enough for these people and yet, they do nothing to make the situation better. They just mill around like lost sheep nattering away. They are constantly negative to any idea that might make the community better and yet they think that they are nabobs and it is up to other lesser people to do the necessary work. Even when others create something new or better in the community these people still grumble, whine and natter, complaining that what others have done is not enough or in some way does not meet with their approval. They are however quick to take the credit if something should work out, all the while nattering on and on about how hard they worked to achieve this thing and what little help they had from others. These people would expect others to row the lifeboat all the while criticizing the efforts of those rowing and nattering about what an inconvenient time and place the ship picked to sink.
The following is from the handbook for developing Nattering Nabobs of Negativity. One must master as many of the following behaviours as possible:
- Find Fault with any positive statement.
- Belittle and trash-talk anybody who does not agree with you.
-Inflate your ego to near bursting pressure (check for leaks, often).
-Gossip viciously and with malice afore thought.
- Dump on anyone with a plan that is different from yours.
-Spread disinformation at every opportunity.
-Assassinate at least one person’s character per week (more if you want extra points).
-Brag whenever possible, about how smart you are.
-Complain about how dumb other people are.
-Take credit for other’ work or ideas.
-Engage in conspiracies regularly.
-Make veiled references to secret and powerful organizations that you belong to (if you can’t think of one, use the Masons, everybody else does).
-Worry about the state of the world so much that no one will expect you to do anything as menial as helping resolve local problems.
-Scoff at others effort at least three times a day.
-Blame your faults on someone else’s behaviour during your formative years (from birth to age 75).
-See hidden agendas in any act of altruism.
-Attribute altruistic motives to your self and friends when you screw the community.
-Screw the community often and thoroughly (but only for altruistic reasons).
-Misinterpret the statements of others (especially those statements you don’t like).
- Manipulate behind the scenes while someone else is the front man.
-Scapegoat someone else if any of your ideas backfire.
-Disparage your elected representatives whenever possible, but don’t run for office.
-Bully someone every day and do it publicly whenever you can.
-Practice looking dangerous when in rage so everyone will be afraid to make you angry.
-Fake a heart attack and blame it on your enemies (make sure you don’t do this too often). - Proclaim that you have the moral high ground whenever you are trying to sneak something by.
-Talk loudly about your ethics so that people are focussed on your innocent face while you pick their pockets.
-Warn of impending doom every hour on the half hour (or whenever someone takes an opposing view).
-Practice looking betrayed and emotionally wounded when anyone suggests that your behaviour is less than honourable.
-Behave dishonourably often (but try not to get caught).
-Be careful not to make any commitments you can’t back out of later.
-Practice denial till you can do it with a straight face and in a believable manner.
-Pretend that you are thinking out loud whenever someone overhears you talking to yourself.
It is not easy to be successful at being a nattering nabob; it takes hard work and commitment to making sure you are always a negative force in your community. It takes nerves of steel to live with the constant fear of being seen as you really are. You must be ever vigilant and on guard so that you don’t accidentally do something positive. It is a hard and lonely road, so you have to really get off on being a martyr.
Unsung Heroes - Lorraine 16
Lorraine 16
By: Ian Lowden, M. Sc., B.A
Loraine 16 is the person who originally contacted me about the wonderful work being done by Gabriola resident, Marianne Auger. The article on Marianne has been picked up by a newsletter for adoptees and will probably come out in their next Quarterly. Since my initial contact from Lorraine two months ago I have learned a great deal about the difficulties people face finding their birth family. Apparently, B.C. is one of the provinces that helps people do this with Ontario at the other end of the spectrum. Apparently the Ontario Privacy Commissioner wants new legislation that would make it virtually impossible for adoptees to ever locate their biological parents, despite their being some 70 thousand adoptees registered with the Post Adoption Registry in Ontario trying to help them locate their birth families.
The story would not be complete without hearing the adoptees side so the following is Lorraine’s own words in response to my queries of why she wanted to find heir birth family and what the results have been.
“I grew up in a happy home, my mother was a housewife and her husband owned his own fine furniture refinishing business. They owned their own business, and life was good. They tried to have a child but could not, and decided to adopt a child. I was that child. I was raised in a home full of love, with parents who encouraged me to become involved in music, sports and schoolwork. I remained an only child. When I was seven years old my parents told me that I was adopted, and gave me what little information they knew of my birth parents. I was happy to store this information for later use, and I was not bothered by the fact that I was adopted. I was very close to my adoptive mother, and still remain so, but I have always noted that we are very different people, we have a strong love between us, but I have always noticed that I live my life very differently from my mother.
“What made me look for my birth/mother.......curiousity most of all, I never felt like I had anything in common with my adoptive family, physical appearance, personality, traits......
I had obtained my birth file from Vital Stats but it didn't not contain any identifying info, so I was at a dead end. I joined a website called Canadopt, and started reading the e-mails from everyone else in the adoption community. One day someone suggested obtaining a "Registration of a Live Birth", which contains full names. Marianne is also a member on this site, and once I obtained my and my birth/mother's real names, I posted them on the site. Marianne took it upon herself to search this name, and found my b/mother's cousin in Kamloops. A couple of phone calls later I was put in touch with my b/uncle, brother to my mother, who did not know she had had a child. He then gave me her phone number and arranged a time for us to talk. When she and I first spoke on the phone, our voices and laughter was exactly the same, which is something because we are both known for our loud laugh.
The only thing I would warn other people is not to get their expectations up, and not to blame people for any decisions made in the past. I did not expect anything from my b/mother, I only wanted to meet her and to find out as much about the family as I could.
This experience HAS changed me. I now know that I am not strange, that there are other people on this earth who are just like me. Not perfect, but sharing the same traits, physical, hobbies, and medical conditions. I feel much more settled now, as this was a huge piece of my puzzle that I never could finish before.”
“ I don't have any concerns re privacy, so go ahead and call me by my full names.”
“ Janine Marie Theresa Giacomuci
Renamed Lorraine Leona Sym By Adoptive Parents”
Since writing this Lorraine has spent vacation time in Kamloops meeting two more of her four siblings and having a wonderful time now that she has both families. I hope this answers those critics that think that birth families should be kept from ever meeting. Aside from the joy Lorraine had she also got access to the medical histories of her birth family, knowing what genetic predispositions she has may someday help her immensely. Not all reunions have been as positive as Lorraine’s but, with more than 150,000 adoptees in Canada that are trying to find their birth parents, the statistics speak for themselves.
By: Ian Lowden, M. Sc., B.A
Loraine 16 is the person who originally contacted me about the wonderful work being done by Gabriola resident, Marianne Auger. The article on Marianne has been picked up by a newsletter for adoptees and will probably come out in their next Quarterly. Since my initial contact from Lorraine two months ago I have learned a great deal about the difficulties people face finding their birth family. Apparently, B.C. is one of the provinces that helps people do this with Ontario at the other end of the spectrum. Apparently the Ontario Privacy Commissioner wants new legislation that would make it virtually impossible for adoptees to ever locate their biological parents, despite their being some 70 thousand adoptees registered with the Post Adoption Registry in Ontario trying to help them locate their birth families.
The story would not be complete without hearing the adoptees side so the following is Lorraine’s own words in response to my queries of why she wanted to find heir birth family and what the results have been.
“I grew up in a happy home, my mother was a housewife and her husband owned his own fine furniture refinishing business. They owned their own business, and life was good. They tried to have a child but could not, and decided to adopt a child. I was that child. I was raised in a home full of love, with parents who encouraged me to become involved in music, sports and schoolwork. I remained an only child. When I was seven years old my parents told me that I was adopted, and gave me what little information they knew of my birth parents. I was happy to store this information for later use, and I was not bothered by the fact that I was adopted. I was very close to my adoptive mother, and still remain so, but I have always noted that we are very different people, we have a strong love between us, but I have always noticed that I live my life very differently from my mother.
“What made me look for my birth/mother.......curiousity most of all, I never felt like I had anything in common with my adoptive family, physical appearance, personality, traits......
I had obtained my birth file from Vital Stats but it didn't not contain any identifying info, so I was at a dead end. I joined a website called Canadopt, and started reading the e-mails from everyone else in the adoption community. One day someone suggested obtaining a "Registration of a Live Birth", which contains full names. Marianne is also a member on this site, and once I obtained my and my birth/mother's real names, I posted them on the site. Marianne took it upon herself to search this name, and found my b/mother's cousin in Kamloops. A couple of phone calls later I was put in touch with my b/uncle, brother to my mother, who did not know she had had a child. He then gave me her phone number and arranged a time for us to talk. When she and I first spoke on the phone, our voices and laughter was exactly the same, which is something because we are both known for our loud laugh.
The only thing I would warn other people is not to get their expectations up, and not to blame people for any decisions made in the past. I did not expect anything from my b/mother, I only wanted to meet her and to find out as much about the family as I could.
This experience HAS changed me. I now know that I am not strange, that there are other people on this earth who are just like me. Not perfect, but sharing the same traits, physical, hobbies, and medical conditions. I feel much more settled now, as this was a huge piece of my puzzle that I never could finish before.”
“ I don't have any concerns re privacy, so go ahead and call me by my full names.”
“ Janine Marie Theresa Giacomuci
Renamed Lorraine Leona Sym By Adoptive Parents”
Since writing this Lorraine has spent vacation time in Kamloops meeting two more of her four siblings and having a wonderful time now that she has both families. I hope this answers those critics that think that birth families should be kept from ever meeting. Aside from the joy Lorraine had she also got access to the medical histories of her birth family, knowing what genetic predispositions she has may someday help her immensely. Not all reunions have been as positive as Lorraine’s but, with more than 150,000 adoptees in Canada that are trying to find their birth parents, the statistics speak for themselves.
Unsung Heroes - Marianne 866
“Marianne 866”
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
This story originated with an email from a person off island – Lorraine 16 – who had been following my writings and had a nominee for “Unsung Heroes”. Lorraine told me about this person (Marianne) on the Internet who helped people find their birth family. I was wondering how to do a story on someone who I thought lived in Vancouver when quite by chance (or the serendipity that seems to live at Roger’s Razz) I ran into another person who had been helped by Marianne in finding her daughter. From this person I learned that Marianne was living right here on Gabriola Island and her last name was Auger. Through a great deal of email with Marianne and a number of people she had helped the story took shape.
What is your background?
“I have lived on Gabriola Island for 6 yrs. I was diagnosed with disabling medical problems and have been forced into early retirement. I am a birth/biological/natural mother of two girls that I relinquished to adoption when I was young. I have reunited with both. The first reunion, with my eldest, was too soon, we were both too young still; that was 10 yrs ago. Through that decade, we have had ups, downs, time outs and so on. Of late, since my daughter has had her own children, our relationship has blossomed into something very special. My other daughter has requested no contact at this time, and I respect that. Each person needs to take their own time and work through their own stuff first.”
Why did you become involved in helping other people find their family?
I have time on my hands now that I am unable to work; my brain is still sharp as a tack and why waste that !! I feel that family is the most important thing we have in our lives and it is a "need to know" thing. I also know that many adoptees are not provided with family background and medical history. I feel this is also a "need to know" thing. I know how fortunate I feel in finding my birth daughters and it feels good to be able to help others. I believe it is up to us who have been fortunate in live to help others, I believe you called it in one of your articles “Paying the Rent” Having reunited with my children has given me the opportunity to tell them the family history, heritage, that they have each other, and health issues. I do what I do because I believe in family, I believe in the right to know, and I believe in “paying the rent”.
How difficult is it for people to find their birth family?
Some people have been searching for yrs for family to no avail because they are not provided with identifying information. Some people just do not know where to start. I am constantly posting information to Canadopt email list on search techniques, pointers and helpful links. Even in doing this, some people are just plain scared to start for fear of rejection, failure and letdown. I council people on this also to prepare them for ALL scenarios, Also provinces vary in how much help you can get form them - Inuvit, BC, ALTA and NFLD/Lab are open policy now and they supply birth information about name and parentage. Ontario is the hardest province to search in, as their laws are old and outdated. Some people are not privy to their birth names, birth family names, etc. In those cases it takes longer to search as it is like a needle in a haystack. The last stats I heard out of Ontario was that there are 77,000 adoptees registered with post adoption services(which are a joke in some instances) yet it is more than likely there are over 120,000 actively searching or wondering about searching in Ontario alone.
How do you help people find their birth family?
I use the Internet for all my searching. I pour through hundreds or thousands of obituaries, genealogy charts, newspaper articles and pictures. I have some files I have been working on for months and others that only take a phone call or two once I have found family information (a day or two of searching). Sadly, most people are not computer savvy, or have the time to devote as I do and I know all the little ins and outs of searching. If a person does not know where to start, the search starts out being difficult.
I start with googling the family if I can. I also use the public libraries across Canada that offer the Ask A Librarian service on line. They are extremely helpful and sometimes the only thing I have is a name and then I have them track the person until they are lost in the shuffle of more people with the same name. I still get frustrated with some searches, as it seems these people have just up and disappeared of the face of the earth. I then just give it a rest for a few weeks and tackle it from a fresh angle. Once I find out information and possible strong lead, then I launch a phone campaign. I find all the people with that last name and start calling. It is a touchy situation and knowing the right words is crucial, I just seem to have a knack for that.
How do searchers find you?
I belong to an Internet registry, Canadopt, and most people that I find or that find me are listed there. I usually see a posting for someone and get a gut feeling that they can be helped. Word of mouth seems to bring people to me also...as I have facilitated searches for friends of a friend etc. I have heard that my reputation of being a "search angel" precedes me...LOL...I am constantly receiving emails from people encouraging me to keep up the excellent work. I have list buddies from Canadopt who look forward to an email from me to the group because I just offer up hope, encouragement and understanding for all those searching
How many people do you help?
I only take on a few files a month providing I have finished up with others. I usually have about a dozen searches on the go at once. I have facilitated in 18 reunions since January this year.
Why do you spend so much time working free when you are on a limited pension?
The biggest reason I guess is just knowing I am doing something good and that it will create peace of mind for many individuals, and bringing together FAMILY! The second reason is that this is something I can do to help make this a better world – You call it “Paying the Rent for the gift of Life”. To me it just feels right.
Are there any drawbacks or problems endemic to the process of finding birth family?
Yes, the person looking whether it be child or parent has to be prepared for rejection and the reconciliation can be a long time coming if ever. Sometimes there are good reasons for not looking – the child may not know they are adopted, or may not want contact. Sometimes the birth parent has not told their present family that they had a child before and don’t want their present family to know. Both of these reasons are ones that mean any search should be done with discretion. Also, sometimes you may not like what you find and you have to be prepared for that.
What do you say to those who say that if you gave the child up you have forfeited any right to be involved in that child’s life?
First of all, if the child or parent does not want contact they are free to refuse it. Secondly, many times children have been given up because the parent did not have any acceptable way of caring for the child at the time, because of age, financial status or illness. Because they had few choices or made one bad choice should not bar them from any contact – the feelings don’t stop when you give up a child. Several people have told me that finding their child or children and finding that the child understands and still accepts the birth parent has done them more good than all the therapy they have been through over the years trying to deal with the decision they made long ago. Thirdly, the adopted child is usually curious and sometimes has been through therapy trying to deal with the fact that they were given away; finding the birth parent and hearing the reasons and how the birth parent feels can often help the adopted child, Finally, there is the health aspect, knowing that certain traits or propensities for illness run in your family can help the child live a healthier life.
I think that the work Marianne 866 does is admirable. My own work over the years with adopted children and with parents that have given up a child tends to corroborate Marianne’s views. It is very hard for an adopted child not to wonder about who and why they were given away and sometimes the answers help them deal with their feelings and get on with their lives. Likewise, finding children you have given up can be helpful to the parent’s mental health. However there are some dangers. The child may not accept the parent’s explanation and the resulting situation can be damaging to one or both. Sometimes, the birth parent does not want the contact and this too can result in more emotional damage to one or to both. Occasionally, there may be good reason to not have contact with the birth parent – the parent may be an addict or a criminal or may be the kind of person who would take advantage of the child financially, or emotionally or in very rare cases, sexually as well. However despite the pitfalls it has been my experience, as well as Marianne’s, that finding family is much more likely to have a positive impact on both the parent and the child and is in the long run a good thing.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
This story originated with an email from a person off island – Lorraine 16 – who had been following my writings and had a nominee for “Unsung Heroes”. Lorraine told me about this person (Marianne) on the Internet who helped people find their birth family. I was wondering how to do a story on someone who I thought lived in Vancouver when quite by chance (or the serendipity that seems to live at Roger’s Razz) I ran into another person who had been helped by Marianne in finding her daughter. From this person I learned that Marianne was living right here on Gabriola Island and her last name was Auger. Through a great deal of email with Marianne and a number of people she had helped the story took shape.
What is your background?
“I have lived on Gabriola Island for 6 yrs. I was diagnosed with disabling medical problems and have been forced into early retirement. I am a birth/biological/natural mother of two girls that I relinquished to adoption when I was young. I have reunited with both. The first reunion, with my eldest, was too soon, we were both too young still; that was 10 yrs ago. Through that decade, we have had ups, downs, time outs and so on. Of late, since my daughter has had her own children, our relationship has blossomed into something very special. My other daughter has requested no contact at this time, and I respect that. Each person needs to take their own time and work through their own stuff first.”
Why did you become involved in helping other people find their family?
I have time on my hands now that I am unable to work; my brain is still sharp as a tack and why waste that !! I feel that family is the most important thing we have in our lives and it is a "need to know" thing. I also know that many adoptees are not provided with family background and medical history. I feel this is also a "need to know" thing. I know how fortunate I feel in finding my birth daughters and it feels good to be able to help others. I believe it is up to us who have been fortunate in live to help others, I believe you called it in one of your articles “Paying the Rent” Having reunited with my children has given me the opportunity to tell them the family history, heritage, that they have each other, and health issues. I do what I do because I believe in family, I believe in the right to know, and I believe in “paying the rent”.
How difficult is it for people to find their birth family?
Some people have been searching for yrs for family to no avail because they are not provided with identifying information. Some people just do not know where to start. I am constantly posting information to Canadopt email list on search techniques, pointers and helpful links. Even in doing this, some people are just plain scared to start for fear of rejection, failure and letdown. I council people on this also to prepare them for ALL scenarios, Also provinces vary in how much help you can get form them - Inuvit, BC, ALTA and NFLD/Lab are open policy now and they supply birth information about name and parentage. Ontario is the hardest province to search in, as their laws are old and outdated. Some people are not privy to their birth names, birth family names, etc. In those cases it takes longer to search as it is like a needle in a haystack. The last stats I heard out of Ontario was that there are 77,000 adoptees registered with post adoption services(which are a joke in some instances) yet it is more than likely there are over 120,000 actively searching or wondering about searching in Ontario alone.
How do you help people find their birth family?
I use the Internet for all my searching. I pour through hundreds or thousands of obituaries, genealogy charts, newspaper articles and pictures. I have some files I have been working on for months and others that only take a phone call or two once I have found family information (a day or two of searching). Sadly, most people are not computer savvy, or have the time to devote as I do and I know all the little ins and outs of searching. If a person does not know where to start, the search starts out being difficult.
I start with googling the family if I can. I also use the public libraries across Canada that offer the Ask A Librarian service on line. They are extremely helpful and sometimes the only thing I have is a name and then I have them track the person until they are lost in the shuffle of more people with the same name. I still get frustrated with some searches, as it seems these people have just up and disappeared of the face of the earth. I then just give it a rest for a few weeks and tackle it from a fresh angle. Once I find out information and possible strong lead, then I launch a phone campaign. I find all the people with that last name and start calling. It is a touchy situation and knowing the right words is crucial, I just seem to have a knack for that.
How do searchers find you?
I belong to an Internet registry, Canadopt, and most people that I find or that find me are listed there. I usually see a posting for someone and get a gut feeling that they can be helped. Word of mouth seems to bring people to me also...as I have facilitated searches for friends of a friend etc. I have heard that my reputation of being a "search angel" precedes me...LOL...I am constantly receiving emails from people encouraging me to keep up the excellent work. I have list buddies from Canadopt who look forward to an email from me to the group because I just offer up hope, encouragement and understanding for all those searching
How many people do you help?
I only take on a few files a month providing I have finished up with others. I usually have about a dozen searches on the go at once. I have facilitated in 18 reunions since January this year.
Why do you spend so much time working free when you are on a limited pension?
The biggest reason I guess is just knowing I am doing something good and that it will create peace of mind for many individuals, and bringing together FAMILY! The second reason is that this is something I can do to help make this a better world – You call it “Paying the Rent for the gift of Life”. To me it just feels right.
Are there any drawbacks or problems endemic to the process of finding birth family?
Yes, the person looking whether it be child or parent has to be prepared for rejection and the reconciliation can be a long time coming if ever. Sometimes there are good reasons for not looking – the child may not know they are adopted, or may not want contact. Sometimes the birth parent has not told their present family that they had a child before and don’t want their present family to know. Both of these reasons are ones that mean any search should be done with discretion. Also, sometimes you may not like what you find and you have to be prepared for that.
What do you say to those who say that if you gave the child up you have forfeited any right to be involved in that child’s life?
First of all, if the child or parent does not want contact they are free to refuse it. Secondly, many times children have been given up because the parent did not have any acceptable way of caring for the child at the time, because of age, financial status or illness. Because they had few choices or made one bad choice should not bar them from any contact – the feelings don’t stop when you give up a child. Several people have told me that finding their child or children and finding that the child understands and still accepts the birth parent has done them more good than all the therapy they have been through over the years trying to deal with the decision they made long ago. Thirdly, the adopted child is usually curious and sometimes has been through therapy trying to deal with the fact that they were given away; finding the birth parent and hearing the reasons and how the birth parent feels can often help the adopted child, Finally, there is the health aspect, knowing that certain traits or propensities for illness run in your family can help the child live a healthier life.
I think that the work Marianne 866 does is admirable. My own work over the years with adopted children and with parents that have given up a child tends to corroborate Marianne’s views. It is very hard for an adopted child not to wonder about who and why they were given away and sometimes the answers help them deal with their feelings and get on with their lives. Likewise, finding children you have given up can be helpful to the parent’s mental health. However there are some dangers. The child may not accept the parent’s explanation and the resulting situation can be damaging to one or both. Sometimes, the birth parent does not want the contact and this too can result in more emotional damage to one or to both. Occasionally, there may be good reason to not have contact with the birth parent – the parent may be an addict or a criminal or may be the kind of person who would take advantage of the child financially, or emotionally or in very rare cases, sexually as well. However despite the pitfalls it has been my experience, as well as Marianne’s, that finding family is much more likely to have a positive impact on both the parent and the child and is in the long run a good thing.
Unsung Heroes - Svend Lassen
“Unsung Heroes”
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Svend Lassen, 83, has lived on Gabriola in a log house he designed for the last 15 years. While I was finishing this article I got a call from Svend’s family--he had passed away earlier that day (May 18th) surrounded by family at Nanaimo Hospital. This article had just become an obituary. So what made Swen a hero? Come; let’s explore his life.
Svend was born in Denmark to a family with a long tradition of becoming ship’s captains. Svend (at age 16) was aboard the Danmark, along with 120 other sea cadets, attending the 1939 World’s Fair in New York when World War II broke out. The Danmark was a sailing ship used by the Danish government to train their future ship’s officers. Svend was on a year long training cruise that had included a 38 day crossing from Denmark up the coast of Norway touching on the arctic circle and stopping over on Greenland and then down to New York for the world’s fair (where television was first unveiled). He had already learned to stand watch, eat hardtack, chip ice off the rigging a hundred feet above the deck in rough seas, and live in crowded crew quarters.
Unwilling to return to Denmark and risk torpedoing, the ship set sail for the Caribbean where it cruised until the Nazis invaded Denmark. Unable to continue to be at risk, the ship put into Jacksonville, Florida for safe haven. Ordered by the Nazis to return to Denmark, the Captain and crew decided to mutiny and offered the ship to the American navy. They were in Jacksonville, penniless and dependent on the courtesy of the Jacksonville people until the Americans entered the war. Early in 1942 the ship sailed to New London where they trained 5,000 American coast guard officers throughout the war. As the cadets became old enough they joined the American Merchant Marine. Svend spent the last two years crewing oil tankers to England and later the Mediterranean. Svend says they lived with the constant knowledge that one torpedo meant their lives.
After the war Svend joined 30 other former shipmates to sail the Danmark back to Copenhagen. He then spent 4 years in naval college and became an officer on a new commercial ship.
Svend met Connie (his wife to be) when she came onboard in San Francisco in 1950. Connie, from Nanaimo, was only the second woman wireless operator to ever serve aboard a merchant ship. After several months sailing together, they married in New York and returned to Denmark. Connie lived with Svend’s family while he spent the next two years at sea. Finishing his tour he resigned his commission and brought his wife back to Nanaimo (his father disowned him for this action).
Back in Nanaimo, Svend took a job at Harmac Pulp Mill, where he worked for the next 30 years, raising 3 daughters and a son. Tragically, the love of his life died in her fifties from a heart weakened by contracting Scarlet Fever as a child.
So what was it that made Svend a hero? Was it that he went to sea at 16, or his wartime experience, or giving up his family, culture, language and country for his wife, or working hard to raise his children? It was all of these, and the way that Svend always faced his duty, trusted his judgement, and took responsibility for doing what he believed to be right. Four successful children and three grandchildren are a testament and legacy to him and his one true love. He never shirked his duty or took the easy path, and in his 83 years he touched the lives of thousands of friends, co-workers, shipmates and acquaintances and through that touching he made the world a little bit better place to live in. The values he and Connie raised their children with will go on touching thousands of other lives. Svend always saw himself as a lucky man who had a wonderful life, and at the end, he faced death with the same courage and duty as he had lived. When it comes right down to it I think that is what a hero is.
Svend Lassen
20 March 1922 – 18 May 2005
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Svend Lassen, 83, has lived on Gabriola in a log house he designed for the last 15 years. While I was finishing this article I got a call from Svend’s family--he had passed away earlier that day (May 18th) surrounded by family at Nanaimo Hospital. This article had just become an obituary. So what made Swen a hero? Come; let’s explore his life.
Svend was born in Denmark to a family with a long tradition of becoming ship’s captains. Svend (at age 16) was aboard the Danmark, along with 120 other sea cadets, attending the 1939 World’s Fair in New York when World War II broke out. The Danmark was a sailing ship used by the Danish government to train their future ship’s officers. Svend was on a year long training cruise that had included a 38 day crossing from Denmark up the coast of Norway touching on the arctic circle and stopping over on Greenland and then down to New York for the world’s fair (where television was first unveiled). He had already learned to stand watch, eat hardtack, chip ice off the rigging a hundred feet above the deck in rough seas, and live in crowded crew quarters.
Unwilling to return to Denmark and risk torpedoing, the ship set sail for the Caribbean where it cruised until the Nazis invaded Denmark. Unable to continue to be at risk, the ship put into Jacksonville, Florida for safe haven. Ordered by the Nazis to return to Denmark, the Captain and crew decided to mutiny and offered the ship to the American navy. They were in Jacksonville, penniless and dependent on the courtesy of the Jacksonville people until the Americans entered the war. Early in 1942 the ship sailed to New London where they trained 5,000 American coast guard officers throughout the war. As the cadets became old enough they joined the American Merchant Marine. Svend spent the last two years crewing oil tankers to England and later the Mediterranean. Svend says they lived with the constant knowledge that one torpedo meant their lives.
After the war Svend joined 30 other former shipmates to sail the Danmark back to Copenhagen. He then spent 4 years in naval college and became an officer on a new commercial ship.
Svend met Connie (his wife to be) when she came onboard in San Francisco in 1950. Connie, from Nanaimo, was only the second woman wireless operator to ever serve aboard a merchant ship. After several months sailing together, they married in New York and returned to Denmark. Connie lived with Svend’s family while he spent the next two years at sea. Finishing his tour he resigned his commission and brought his wife back to Nanaimo (his father disowned him for this action).
Back in Nanaimo, Svend took a job at Harmac Pulp Mill, where he worked for the next 30 years, raising 3 daughters and a son. Tragically, the love of his life died in her fifties from a heart weakened by contracting Scarlet Fever as a child.
So what was it that made Svend a hero? Was it that he went to sea at 16, or his wartime experience, or giving up his family, culture, language and country for his wife, or working hard to raise his children? It was all of these, and the way that Svend always faced his duty, trusted his judgement, and took responsibility for doing what he believed to be right. Four successful children and three grandchildren are a testament and legacy to him and his one true love. He never shirked his duty or took the easy path, and in his 83 years he touched the lives of thousands of friends, co-workers, shipmates and acquaintances and through that touching he made the world a little bit better place to live in. The values he and Connie raised their children with will go on touching thousands of other lives. Svend always saw himself as a lucky man who had a wonderful life, and at the end, he faced death with the same courage and duty as he had lived. When it comes right down to it I think that is what a hero is.
Svend Lassen
20 March 1922 – 18 May 2005
Gossip About Me Not To Me
Gossip About Me Not To Me
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Malicious gossip is different from idle speculation and information exchange. The purpose of the malicious gossiper is to deliberately harm others and, like the physical, sexual and other emotional abusers, they believe hurting others is their right. They believe that their sadistic impulses are normal and natural. Though none of us can claim to be totally free of the impulse to make ourselves feel better at the expense of another, most of us recognize that harming others is wrong, and when we realize we have done so, most of us are sorry and somewhat ashamed. Not so with the malicious gossip. The malicious gossip seeks out opportunities to harm others and they delight in doing so. They seldom if ever question why they feel the need to damage others and seem to be incapable of feeling guilt for their conduct. They sometimes even believe that it is they who are normal and harming others is the right thing to do. They believe that guilt is something for the weak to feel. There are some of these people who recognize that what they are doing is wrong but lack the will to change their behaviour.
Regardless of why they choose this path, by almost any definition those who delight in inflicting harm on others are mentally ill, yet they are the least likely group to recognize their illness or to seek help to change. This is sad and pathetic and we may even pity them, but like most other public menaces the responsibility for their actions lies with them. The concern of the sane majority is how to protect ourselves from those who find their delight in harming us.
Many people live in fear of being gossiped about and try to appease the gossips by agreeing with them or by trying to avoid coming to the attention of the gossips. Both of these approaches are bound to fail because as sure as death and taxes those who gossip to you will always gossip about you, it is inherent in their nature. Trying to live quietly and not become an item of gossip is also doomed to failure because abusers seek out victims that they perceive as meek and unable to stand up to them. Likewise what you do or don’t do is no protection because malicious gossips don’t really care whether they are spreading fact or fiction. They will gossip about almost anyone and have no problem with making things up should they lack facts. So what then is the defence against gossip? I have discussed this question with many and the only consensus is that gossips (like other abusers) are essentially cowards, and thus they are particularly prone to attack those who they don’t think will confront them. They tend to be careful about avoiding gossiping about those who are likely to take them on. The defence some of us have come up with is threefold.
First, recognize that malicious gossips are a minority; most people are too busy living to have the time or the need to gossip. Second, recognize that the majority of people recognize a gossip for what they are and take everything they say with a whopping big grain of salt. Third, the best defence is a good offence. When someone gossips to you, confront him or her. Ask them, why are they telling you this? Ask them, why they are angry with the person they are gossiping about? Ask them if they really think you are going to buy into this gossip and think badly of the victim? Ask them, why do they spread gossip? Ask them, if their lives are so meaningless and pitifully sad that this is the only way they can feel better about themselves?
The advantages of this approach lets the gossip know you recognize them for what they are and are not intimidated. This approach also has the advantage of bringing to people’s attention that they are slipping into maliciousness, sometimes confrontation is enough to make the neophyte gossip stop and take stock of themselves and perhaps they will change. This approach also lets abusers know that you are part of the sane majority and if they value their relationship with you then they should do some soul searching. Most importantly it lets the gossip know that you refuse to be intimidated by them and just as importantly, your example will gain you the respect of others and make it easier for others to stand up to the abusers.
Gossips hate being recognized for what they are. Turning the light of confrontation on them is akin to turning over a rock and watching the bugs scurry for cover. Abusers are creatures of darkness and secrecy, confronting them will not cure the hardened abuser but knowing they are recognized will intimidate them. Abusers are reluctant to try and abuse someone who stands up to them publicly. They fear those who will take them on, and consequently they will avoid you, which in itself will increase the quality of your life.
Lastly there is a real joy in saying to these creatures, “Gossip about me if you must but don’t dare gossip to me.” Taking a stand against abuse not only makes you feel better but it helps you become a more complete person, and, it helps make our community a slightly better place to live.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
Malicious gossip is different from idle speculation and information exchange. The purpose of the malicious gossiper is to deliberately harm others and, like the physical, sexual and other emotional abusers, they believe hurting others is their right. They believe that their sadistic impulses are normal and natural. Though none of us can claim to be totally free of the impulse to make ourselves feel better at the expense of another, most of us recognize that harming others is wrong, and when we realize we have done so, most of us are sorry and somewhat ashamed. Not so with the malicious gossip. The malicious gossip seeks out opportunities to harm others and they delight in doing so. They seldom if ever question why they feel the need to damage others and seem to be incapable of feeling guilt for their conduct. They sometimes even believe that it is they who are normal and harming others is the right thing to do. They believe that guilt is something for the weak to feel. There are some of these people who recognize that what they are doing is wrong but lack the will to change their behaviour.
Regardless of why they choose this path, by almost any definition those who delight in inflicting harm on others are mentally ill, yet they are the least likely group to recognize their illness or to seek help to change. This is sad and pathetic and we may even pity them, but like most other public menaces the responsibility for their actions lies with them. The concern of the sane majority is how to protect ourselves from those who find their delight in harming us.
Many people live in fear of being gossiped about and try to appease the gossips by agreeing with them or by trying to avoid coming to the attention of the gossips. Both of these approaches are bound to fail because as sure as death and taxes those who gossip to you will always gossip about you, it is inherent in their nature. Trying to live quietly and not become an item of gossip is also doomed to failure because abusers seek out victims that they perceive as meek and unable to stand up to them. Likewise what you do or don’t do is no protection because malicious gossips don’t really care whether they are spreading fact or fiction. They will gossip about almost anyone and have no problem with making things up should they lack facts. So what then is the defence against gossip? I have discussed this question with many and the only consensus is that gossips (like other abusers) are essentially cowards, and thus they are particularly prone to attack those who they don’t think will confront them. They tend to be careful about avoiding gossiping about those who are likely to take them on. The defence some of us have come up with is threefold.
First, recognize that malicious gossips are a minority; most people are too busy living to have the time or the need to gossip. Second, recognize that the majority of people recognize a gossip for what they are and take everything they say with a whopping big grain of salt. Third, the best defence is a good offence. When someone gossips to you, confront him or her. Ask them, why are they telling you this? Ask them, why they are angry with the person they are gossiping about? Ask them if they really think you are going to buy into this gossip and think badly of the victim? Ask them, why do they spread gossip? Ask them, if their lives are so meaningless and pitifully sad that this is the only way they can feel better about themselves?
The advantages of this approach lets the gossip know you recognize them for what they are and are not intimidated. This approach also has the advantage of bringing to people’s attention that they are slipping into maliciousness, sometimes confrontation is enough to make the neophyte gossip stop and take stock of themselves and perhaps they will change. This approach also lets abusers know that you are part of the sane majority and if they value their relationship with you then they should do some soul searching. Most importantly it lets the gossip know that you refuse to be intimidated by them and just as importantly, your example will gain you the respect of others and make it easier for others to stand up to the abusers.
Gossips hate being recognized for what they are. Turning the light of confrontation on them is akin to turning over a rock and watching the bugs scurry for cover. Abusers are creatures of darkness and secrecy, confronting them will not cure the hardened abuser but knowing they are recognized will intimidate them. Abusers are reluctant to try and abuse someone who stands up to them publicly. They fear those who will take them on, and consequently they will avoid you, which in itself will increase the quality of your life.
Lastly there is a real joy in saying to these creatures, “Gossip about me if you must but don’t dare gossip to me.” Taking a stand against abuse not only makes you feel better but it helps you become a more complete person, and, it helps make our community a slightly better place to live.
Gossip Is Violence – Part 2
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I have received more feedback (in person and email and phone calls) concerning my article about gossip as violence than I have about the previous 5 articles on violence combined. It appears virtually everyone has been the victim of gossip and many, many people expressed their disgust for gossips. Many of the people who read my article related that it was the first time they understood gossip as just another form of abuse perpetrated by violent and malicious people and, that this way of looking at these abusers, made it easier for them to recognize them and defend against them.
A few people didn’t quite understand my working definition of abusers and thought that everybody who talks about others is a gossip. If this were the case then we would all be gossips. I don’t mean that at all. There is a huge difference between information exchange and malicious gossip. We can all share information like, “Bill lost his job, got divorced, or left the island.” We may even speculate as to the why and how Bill did whatever it was that he did. This is natural information exchange and idle speculation. There is a huge and qualitative difference between this relatively innocent activity and that which true hard-core gossips do. The gossips purpose in relating their information is to cause you to dislike, disapprove of or otherwise join them in their effort to damage and hurt someone else. Gossips make the conscious decision to add to the facts, or distort the facts or to make up the whole story to cause someone harm. They are not “information exchanging” or “speculating” they are deliberately trying to abuse someone. They want to get you to join in with them in doing violence to another.
The difference between gossips and other violent perps is that gossips never commit their violence face to face with their victims; they are creatures of the shadows. They operate like muggers striking from behind but unlike muggers who do their violence for profit, the gossips do their abuse simply because they like hurting others and they have usually become addicted to it. The other thing that separates muggers from gossips is that muggers pick strangers and gossips pick their friends, neighbours and co-workers.
The question many have asked is what motivates gossips. At the risk of offending some I would suggest that the motivation is exactly the same as other abusers- power, revenge, acting out their own hurt, and the need to feel superior. Like anyone else that abuses, gossips have low self esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and a deep-seated feeling that they just don’t measure up to others. I also think there is almost always a feeling of envy as well.
Few, if any of us, can claim to have never gossiped, most of us have done it lots of times, but, there is a difference between those that occasionally give in to the impulse and those who are addicted to this particular form of abuse. The difference is that as most of us grow older we become more comfortable with ourselves, we accept our limitations more, and we have found better ways of meeting our needs. Gossips in a sense are like alcoholics and other addicts in that the more they do it the more they need to do it. Hardcore gossips cannot get through the day without fixes. The gossip addicts need their fix so much that if they cannot find something about a person to tear down they will often make up something. There is an old saying about drug addicts that also fits gossips. Question: How do you know when a gossip is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving.
I think gossips are people that have been attacked and savaged so often in their own lives that they see the world as a hostile place, where they have to get their revenge whenever and however they can; but, because they are also cowards, they fear getting caught. Well guess what guys! Most people (even your fellow gossips) know you for what you are. You are not well hidden. In fact most of you are well known for your viciousness.
If indeed malicious gossips are also people that have been attacked and savaged in their own lives, are they then to be hated or pitied for what they have become? Neither, I think. All of us have been victims in life but that does not give us the right to victimize others. Like any other responsible adult, gossips (and other abusers) have to grow up, get help if they need it, but above all they have to take the responsibility for their actions and they have to stop the abuse. Our responsibility to them is to confront them when they do their abuse and by confronting them put the onus of change back on them. We may pity them but we don’t have to accept their actions. We don’t have to be their victims either.
In an upcoming article called “Gossip About Me, Not to Me” I will be discussing ways that others and myself have come up with to defend against gossips. I welcome your input.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I have received more feedback (in person and email and phone calls) concerning my article about gossip as violence than I have about the previous 5 articles on violence combined. It appears virtually everyone has been the victim of gossip and many, many people expressed their disgust for gossips. Many of the people who read my article related that it was the first time they understood gossip as just another form of abuse perpetrated by violent and malicious people and, that this way of looking at these abusers, made it easier for them to recognize them and defend against them.
A few people didn’t quite understand my working definition of abusers and thought that everybody who talks about others is a gossip. If this were the case then we would all be gossips. I don’t mean that at all. There is a huge difference between information exchange and malicious gossip. We can all share information like, “Bill lost his job, got divorced, or left the island.” We may even speculate as to the why and how Bill did whatever it was that he did. This is natural information exchange and idle speculation. There is a huge and qualitative difference between this relatively innocent activity and that which true hard-core gossips do. The gossips purpose in relating their information is to cause you to dislike, disapprove of or otherwise join them in their effort to damage and hurt someone else. Gossips make the conscious decision to add to the facts, or distort the facts or to make up the whole story to cause someone harm. They are not “information exchanging” or “speculating” they are deliberately trying to abuse someone. They want to get you to join in with them in doing violence to another.
The difference between gossips and other violent perps is that gossips never commit their violence face to face with their victims; they are creatures of the shadows. They operate like muggers striking from behind but unlike muggers who do their violence for profit, the gossips do their abuse simply because they like hurting others and they have usually become addicted to it. The other thing that separates muggers from gossips is that muggers pick strangers and gossips pick their friends, neighbours and co-workers.
The question many have asked is what motivates gossips. At the risk of offending some I would suggest that the motivation is exactly the same as other abusers- power, revenge, acting out their own hurt, and the need to feel superior. Like anyone else that abuses, gossips have low self esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and a deep-seated feeling that they just don’t measure up to others. I also think there is almost always a feeling of envy as well.
Few, if any of us, can claim to have never gossiped, most of us have done it lots of times, but, there is a difference between those that occasionally give in to the impulse and those who are addicted to this particular form of abuse. The difference is that as most of us grow older we become more comfortable with ourselves, we accept our limitations more, and we have found better ways of meeting our needs. Gossips in a sense are like alcoholics and other addicts in that the more they do it the more they need to do it. Hardcore gossips cannot get through the day without fixes. The gossip addicts need their fix so much that if they cannot find something about a person to tear down they will often make up something. There is an old saying about drug addicts that also fits gossips. Question: How do you know when a gossip is lying? Answer: Their lips are moving.
I think gossips are people that have been attacked and savaged so often in their own lives that they see the world as a hostile place, where they have to get their revenge whenever and however they can; but, because they are also cowards, they fear getting caught. Well guess what guys! Most people (even your fellow gossips) know you for what you are. You are not well hidden. In fact most of you are well known for your viciousness.
If indeed malicious gossips are also people that have been attacked and savaged in their own lives, are they then to be hated or pitied for what they have become? Neither, I think. All of us have been victims in life but that does not give us the right to victimize others. Like any other responsible adult, gossips (and other abusers) have to grow up, get help if they need it, but above all they have to take the responsibility for their actions and they have to stop the abuse. Our responsibility to them is to confront them when they do their abuse and by confronting them put the onus of change back on them. We may pity them but we don’t have to accept their actions. We don’t have to be their victims either.
In an upcoming article called “Gossip About Me, Not to Me” I will be discussing ways that others and myself have come up with to defend against gossips. I welcome your input.
Gossip is Violence
Gossip is Violence.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I am used to getting varying reactions from people about the things I write. Sometimes the reaction is in the form of letters to the editor but more often it is in the form of discussion when I meet a friend or acquaintance at the grocery store, or when people drop by, or when they E-mail or phone. Usually only the people who are angry about something I’ve said or they think I’ve said, write into the paper. I’m not sure why this is but hopefully it will change. I think part of it is because it’s easy to deal with someone one on one when you agree with them. When they don’t agree people find it safer to put barriers or distance between themselves and whom they disagree with. Which brings me too the ultimate way of striking out without risk to yourself –Gossip.
Some people may get angry at my choice to include gossip among violent reactions. Gossips in particular, don’t like to think of themselves as violent. Most gossips would be shocked at being called violent. Gossips usually see themselves as non-violent and also usually as morally superior. They are deeply insulted at being included with the physical and emotional abusers.
My working definition of violence is “intentional acts that damage another person”. There has to be an action, that action has to be intentionally damaging, and damage has to occur, for abuse to occur. This definition allows the inclusion of all intentional acts of damage- physical, emotional, threats, self-abuse and of course verbal abuse whether directly applied or indirectly applied (like gossip).
Some of the longest lasting abuse is that which scars the person deep inside. Often the things people say can last longer and be more damaging than a physical act. To me the most damaging abuse occurs when someone attacks another who is totally unable to defend themselves.
Emotional abuse is not always performed face to face; often it is performed from a distance. This distance is designed to keep the attacker safe from being recognized while at the same time doing as much damage as possible. The ultimate perpetrator of this kind of abuse is the gossip. The gossip is usually one of those people who will never confront you face to face. They usually have a veneer of civilization to camouflage themselves, but under this veneer beats the heart of a true abuser. Not only is this abuser a coward like every other abuser, but also they cover their vicious and cowardly nature with the persona of a non-violent person. Gossips are one of the clearest examples of the passive aggressive personality pattern.
.
A gossip uses words and innuendo to try and destroy anyone who irks them. If you intentionally try to destroy another persons reputation or credibility are you not trying to do them harm? If you try to hide where these attacks are coming from are you not acting out of cowardice? If your intent is to do another harm, to damage and hurt another, are you not an abuser?
We all have seen (and sometimes been a part of) this type of character assassination so we are all aware how devastating and how long lasting this brutal this kind of violence can be. Most of us outgrow the anger that generates this kind of violence by the end of adolescence, but some particularly damaged individuals can carry this anger and violence throughout their lives, constantly feeling the need to destroy others to fill an unmet need within them. Like all others who routinely use violence these abusers are making choices. No matter what your pain you have a duty to get the help you need to become a non-violent person. A truly non-violent person is one who strives to not use any of the forms of violence. None of us is perfect but in the striving towards it lies the real measure of a human
Next time you hear someone gossiping, look at their intent. Are they trying to damage that person? Why? Then, ask yourself, after I leave will I be this person’s next item of gossip?
Conclusion: To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Abusive is as abusive does.
By Ian Lowden B.A., M.Sc.
I am used to getting varying reactions from people about the things I write. Sometimes the reaction is in the form of letters to the editor but more often it is in the form of discussion when I meet a friend or acquaintance at the grocery store, or when people drop by, or when they E-mail or phone. Usually only the people who are angry about something I’ve said or they think I’ve said, write into the paper. I’m not sure why this is but hopefully it will change. I think part of it is because it’s easy to deal with someone one on one when you agree with them. When they don’t agree people find it safer to put barriers or distance between themselves and whom they disagree with. Which brings me too the ultimate way of striking out without risk to yourself –Gossip.
Some people may get angry at my choice to include gossip among violent reactions. Gossips in particular, don’t like to think of themselves as violent. Most gossips would be shocked at being called violent. Gossips usually see themselves as non-violent and also usually as morally superior. They are deeply insulted at being included with the physical and emotional abusers.
My working definition of violence is “intentional acts that damage another person”. There has to be an action, that action has to be intentionally damaging, and damage has to occur, for abuse to occur. This definition allows the inclusion of all intentional acts of damage- physical, emotional, threats, self-abuse and of course verbal abuse whether directly applied or indirectly applied (like gossip).
Some of the longest lasting abuse is that which scars the person deep inside. Often the things people say can last longer and be more damaging than a physical act. To me the most damaging abuse occurs when someone attacks another who is totally unable to defend themselves.
Emotional abuse is not always performed face to face; often it is performed from a distance. This distance is designed to keep the attacker safe from being recognized while at the same time doing as much damage as possible. The ultimate perpetrator of this kind of abuse is the gossip. The gossip is usually one of those people who will never confront you face to face. They usually have a veneer of civilization to camouflage themselves, but under this veneer beats the heart of a true abuser. Not only is this abuser a coward like every other abuser, but also they cover their vicious and cowardly nature with the persona of a non-violent person. Gossips are one of the clearest examples of the passive aggressive personality pattern.
.
A gossip uses words and innuendo to try and destroy anyone who irks them. If you intentionally try to destroy another persons reputation or credibility are you not trying to do them harm? If you try to hide where these attacks are coming from are you not acting out of cowardice? If your intent is to do another harm, to damage and hurt another, are you not an abuser?
We all have seen (and sometimes been a part of) this type of character assassination so we are all aware how devastating and how long lasting this brutal this kind of violence can be. Most of us outgrow the anger that generates this kind of violence by the end of adolescence, but some particularly damaged individuals can carry this anger and violence throughout their lives, constantly feeling the need to destroy others to fill an unmet need within them. Like all others who routinely use violence these abusers are making choices. No matter what your pain you have a duty to get the help you need to become a non-violent person. A truly non-violent person is one who strives to not use any of the forms of violence. None of us is perfect but in the striving towards it lies the real measure of a human
Next time you hear someone gossiping, look at their intent. Are they trying to damage that person? Why? Then, ask yourself, after I leave will I be this person’s next item of gossip?
Conclusion: To paraphrase Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. Abusive is as abusive does.
